The Season for Conflict

I love the sounds when the weather turns warm -- the sounds of children playing outside. Usually my yard is filled with the sounds of my girls and the two neighbor laughing and talking. But I've noticed every year at the beginning of spring, I hear a lot of another sound as well -- arguing.

After spending the winter indoors and not playing together as much, each spring the girls have to re-learn how to deal with disagreements and misunderstandings. Yesterday was one of the first really nice days we had. I was working inside while the girls were playing. All of a sudden I heard my youngest yell something and stomp up the steps. When she came to the door, I was waiting for her. We had a short talk about the tone of voice in which we talk to our friends, and then I marched her back outside to apologize to her friends and her sister.

A short time later, my older daughter came in crying because one of the girls had accidentally hit her with a stick. We cleaned up the injury, and she went back outside. As she went out, she said to me "I don't want to play that game any more." (I thought that was a pretty good idea since I'm never in favor of games that include whacking each other with sticks.) Unfortunately one of the other girls didn't hear the whole statement and thought she said "I don't want to play with her anymore." So, not five minutes later, three of the girls were back in my house needing me to help sort out the issue.

As much as the interruptions were frustrating for me and as tempting as it was to say "Why don't you all play by yourselves," these moments are opportunities for me to teach my kids how to appropriately deal with conflict. If they can learn to deal with their disagreements with others at this age, their lives will be so much easier as they get older. When your children have disagreements with friends or siblings, take the time to teach them appropriate ways to untangle their disagreements and misunderstandings.

• Remind your children that the only thing they can control in a disagreement is their own reactions. They can control the tone of their voices, what they say in response to another person and their actions. Share with them that Proverbs 15:1 says "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Help your kids understand that when we yell at someone or say not nice things to them, it doesn't make them want to do anything that we ask.
• Even in the midst of disagreement, we should put others first. Luke 6:31 tells us "Do to others as you would have them do to you." Even when we are upset, we need to treat others as we would want to be treated. When you see behavior from your child toward another child that is inappropriate, ask your child how it would make them feel if the other child had done that thing to him.
• Give your child tools to handle conflict. Encourage them not to use "always" and "never" statements. When we use those words in a statement, it's rarely ever true. No one always or never does something all the time. Instead, equip your kids with "I feel" statements. Encourage them to say things like "When you do that, I feel ..." This is less accusatory of the other person, but still allows your child to deal with whatever issue is the problem.
• Don't let disagreements fester. I have girls, and little girls have a tendency to hold a grudge. They can go for days without speaking to one another over something silly. When we let anger and disagreements fester, they only get worse. That's why Ephesians 4:26-27 says "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." It's not unusual for our doorbell to ring after the girls have had a disagreement with the neighbor girls, and we'll find the neighbor's on our doorstep ready to apologize. The same is true for my girls. We encourage them to go right the wrong right away rather than letting it sit until the next day.
• Don't hesitate to get involved to help your children solve their conflict. Modeling appropriate conflict resolution is the best way for your kids to learn it. Be gentle and bring some humor in to diffuse the situation when possible.

As the spring turns to summer, I hope that my kids will begin to use their conflict resolution skills and I'll have to be involved less often. But until then, we need to be ready to step in and teach, even when our kids' conflicts interrupt our tasks because this is a skill that can only be taught.

Pride Has No Place in Discipline

Have you ever been out in public when your child decides to present their worst behavior to the world? What's your first reaction? Anger? Embarrassment?

My youngest was not an easy baby or toddler. She wanted things to be her way, and she wanted them now! She was also a world-class tantrum thrower. We pretty much gave up eating out in public with her for more than a year because it was such a miserable experience for everyone. Many times I gave up on my errands and took her home during the time when she was between 18 months and 3 years old.

My overwhelming thought when she was throwing a fit in public was to simply get out of public sight. I felt judged as a parent and embarrassed that my child would act this way. It really wasn't any different than what she did when she got angry at home, but we were, gasp, in public, and I just knew everyone in the store was staring at me wondering what kind of parent I was.

When she would throw a fit at home, we would put her in her room and let her scream it out. When she was done, we would deal with the underlying issue. Out in public, that wasn't an option -- plus there were people watching. There were times when I would get upset with her simply because I was embarrassed.

You know what I learned through dealing with my toddler daughter in public? An embarrassed, angry parent does not make good decisions about discipline. You see, discipline is loving correction. It's meant to teach and to change the heart attitude behind the incorrect behavior. When we discipline our children when we're angry or embarrassed, we're not worried about their heart, we're worried about our image.

Pride can get in the way of effective discipline in a hurry. Proverbs 16:18 tells us "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." We don't want our pride to cause destruction, especially not the destruction of our children. When we discipline out of pride, we miss the opportunity to grab a teachable moment and change our children's hearts. Discipline should be done out of love and never anger or pride.

Here's the silly thing about our children acting up in public. Many times our kids misbehave in the middle of the grocery store or the mall where there are lots of people to see. But, how many of those people do we know? Usually none. Why do we care what a bunch of perfect strangers think? Is their opinion more important than grabbing a teachable moment with our children?

So, what do you do when you're out in public and your child decides to show the rest of the world how terribly behaved they can be? Take a deep breath. Find an out-of-the-way corner of the grocery store or the mall or the playground. Pray and ask God to help you administer discipline with an attitude that focuses on your child's heart, not on your own embarrasment. Then, deal with the situation at hand.

I've been known to stand my kids in the corner of the grocery store for a time out. I'll take away privileges or if we're in the grocery store, I'll take away the opportunity to get the free cookie from the bakery. I've also been known to take my girls home and deal with the issue there. There's nothing wrong with any of those options as long as they are done out of love and a true desire to change a child's heart and behavior and not out of anger.

The next time you're out in public, and your child starts acting up remember that to deal with your child effectively, the focus needs to be on her heart and behavior and not on your pride.

Holding a Grudge

My youngest daughter has an excellent memory. She can describe, in detail, things that happened years ago that I don't even remember. This memory serves her well in things like studying for a spelling test or saying her memory verses for AWANA. But that memory makes it really easy for her to hold a grudge. She can remember every wrong committed against her, and, if she chooses to, she can hold it against that person for a long time.

We don't want our kids to carry grudges, and we shouldn't want to carry them ourselves. Hauling around an extra dose of anger does nothing but make us grumpy, unkind people, and it often hurts no one but ourselves. If we follow God's example, we will lay down our anger and let go of the offenses committed against us. Psalm 103:12 tells us "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

If anyone has a right to hold a grudge, it's God. He's perfect, and He created a beautiful world for us. All He asked in return is that we keep His commands. Yet, every day, we sin. God could hold that against us and condemn us to an eternity separated from Him, but He didn't. Instead, He sacrificed His son so that we could be reconciled to God. When we admit our sins to God, He separates them from us, and He forgives us. He doesn't hold a grudge.

We want our kids to emulate God. It's so easy to hold a grudge when someone hurts us, but God expects us to forgive and not hold onto our anger. Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean putting yourself in a position to be hurt it again. It simply means letting go of the anger and bitterness that we have toward a person. That action helps us, not the person who wronged us. It lifts a huge weight off our shoulders, and it pleases God.

• When your kids are angry with someone, talk with them about the reasons for their anger. Remind them that God tells us " 'In your anger do not sin': Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold" (Ephesians 4:26-27). Help your kids to ask God to help them let go of their anger and forgive the person who made them mad.
• The next time your child is having trouble letting go of their anger, hand them a bag filled with rocks. On the outside of the bag, write anger. Have your child carry the bag around for a little while. Talk with your kids about how anger and unforgiveness really only hurts the person who is angry. Holding a grudge is like carrying around a bag of rocks all the time. It takes energy to carry that burden around, and it makes us difficult people to be around. When we give God our anger, He can help us to forgive those who hurt us.
• Give your kids something bitter to taste -- horseradish or a lemon. Talk about how it made their tongue and their mouth feel. Tell your kids that when we hold a grudge and carry around our anger, it can make us bitter. When we are carrying around anger, there's little room for things like love and compassion for others. Then give your kids something sweet to eat. Explain that when we offer forgiveness and let go of our anger, we are like the sweet thing with love and compassion to share.

Remember that anger and unforgiveness don't usually hurt the person who hurt us, but they become a big burden for us. So, the next time you or your kids are angry, lay that burden down at God's feet and let Him replace it with love.