Live at Peace With Everyone

No matter how much we’d like to, we don’t always get to choose the people who have influence over our kids. If you haven’t already, you’re likely going to run into at least one adult in your child’s life, whom you would not have chosen to be in a leadership role. It may be a teacher, a coach or a friend’s parent.

Our first instinct when that happens is to step in to protect our kids. However, that may not always be the right response. At some point, our kids have to learn that they aren’t going to like or even get along with everyone who is in a position of authority over them. I’ve had a couple of bosses that I wasn’t too fond of.

If we use these situations as teaching opportunities for our kids (and sometimes for us, too) we equip our kids to deal with what a friend of mine likes to call sandpaper people. You know, those people who simply rub you the wrong way.

This doesn’t mean that there are never situations where you need to step in and remove your child from a person’s authority. If an adult in leadership is causing your child harm, either physically or emotionally, then it’s time to step in. But if it’s simply a matter of personalities clashing, then it’s best to equip your kids to deal with this person.

Romans 12:18 says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." There are times when it isn't possible to live at peace with everyone, but we need to teach our kids to make the effort.

• Pray for the person. It's difficult to be angry or actively dislike someone you are praying for. Praying for someone who is making your life difficult creates feelings of compassion for them.
• Pray for the situation. Ask God to help your child find the best way to deal with the situation. Ask Him to change any of your or your child's attitudes that are getting in the way of improving the situation.
• Don't undermine the other adult's authority. If your child hears you complaining about their teacher or coach, then they will begin to question that person's authority over them. Whatever concerns you have about the relationship need to be dealt with outside the hearing of your child. Undermining the other person's authority gives your child the message that that person does not deserve his respect.
• Listen to your child's concerns. Don't simply brush off your child's complaints. Help your child decide whether those complaints are valid and whether the solution relies on your child or the person in authority.
• Change the things you can. If your child is clashing with her teacher on something small like where to put her name on the paper or how to line up in line, then it's your child who needs to change. On bigger issues, like a coach benching your child for no reason that he can see, help your child focus on the things that are within his control. He can't change the fact the coach benched him, but he can work harder in practice.
• Let your child deal with the situation first. If your child is involved in a personality clash with a teacher or coach, offer strategies for dealing with the situation, but let your child have a stab at improving the situation first. This gives them some control over the situation and lets them practice dealing with conflict. Be there to back your child up, but give your child the first try.
• Come up with a plan for dealing with the situation. We often can't change the other person, but we can work around them. If your daughter is concerned about how her coach's practice strategies are affecting her game, see if you can find another practice for her to attend along with her regular team's practice.

Dealing with people with whom we don't see eye to eye is difficult, but it is a skill that everyone needs to learn. Giving your child opportunities to learn to "live at peace with everyone" will build their relationship skills, so when it really matters, they'll have constructive tools for dealing with others, not destructive ones.

The Season for Conflict

I love the sounds when the weather turns warm -- the sounds of children playing outside. Usually my yard is filled with the sounds of my girls and the two neighbor laughing and talking. But I've noticed every year at the beginning of spring, I hear a lot of another sound as well -- arguing.

After spending the winter indoors and not playing together as much, each spring the girls have to re-learn how to deal with disagreements and misunderstandings. Yesterday was one of the first really nice days we had. I was working inside while the girls were playing. All of a sudden I heard my youngest yell something and stomp up the steps. When she came to the door, I was waiting for her. We had a short talk about the tone of voice in which we talk to our friends, and then I marched her back outside to apologize to her friends and her sister.

A short time later, my older daughter came in crying because one of the girls had accidentally hit her with a stick. We cleaned up the injury, and she went back outside. As she went out, she said to me "I don't want to play that game any more." (I thought that was a pretty good idea since I'm never in favor of games that include whacking each other with sticks.) Unfortunately one of the other girls didn't hear the whole statement and thought she said "I don't want to play with her anymore." So, not five minutes later, three of the girls were back in my house needing me to help sort out the issue.

As much as the interruptions were frustrating for me and as tempting as it was to say "Why don't you all play by yourselves," these moments are opportunities for me to teach my kids how to appropriately deal with conflict. If they can learn to deal with their disagreements with others at this age, their lives will be so much easier as they get older. When your children have disagreements with friends or siblings, take the time to teach them appropriate ways to untangle their disagreements and misunderstandings.

• Remind your children that the only thing they can control in a disagreement is their own reactions. They can control the tone of their voices, what they say in response to another person and their actions. Share with them that Proverbs 15:1 says "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Help your kids understand that when we yell at someone or say not nice things to them, it doesn't make them want to do anything that we ask.
• Even in the midst of disagreement, we should put others first. Luke 6:31 tells us "Do to others as you would have them do to you." Even when we are upset, we need to treat others as we would want to be treated. When you see behavior from your child toward another child that is inappropriate, ask your child how it would make them feel if the other child had done that thing to him.
• Give your child tools to handle conflict. Encourage them not to use "always" and "never" statements. When we use those words in a statement, it's rarely ever true. No one always or never does something all the time. Instead, equip your kids with "I feel" statements. Encourage them to say things like "When you do that, I feel ..." This is less accusatory of the other person, but still allows your child to deal with whatever issue is the problem.
• Don't let disagreements fester. I have girls, and little girls have a tendency to hold a grudge. They can go for days without speaking to one another over something silly. When we let anger and disagreements fester, they only get worse. That's why Ephesians 4:26-27 says "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." It's not unusual for our doorbell to ring after the girls have had a disagreement with the neighbor girls, and we'll find the neighbor's on our doorstep ready to apologize. The same is true for my girls. We encourage them to go right the wrong right away rather than letting it sit until the next day.
• Don't hesitate to get involved to help your children solve their conflict. Modeling appropriate conflict resolution is the best way for your kids to learn it. Be gentle and bring some humor in to diffuse the situation when possible.

As the spring turns to summer, I hope that my kids will begin to use their conflict resolution skills and I'll have to be involved less often. But until then, we need to be ready to step in and teach, even when our kids' conflicts interrupt our tasks because this is a skill that can only be taught.