Practical Discipline

I vaguely remember what life was like before I had kids. I had lots of free time. My house had a coffee table and breakable knick-knacks on the bookshelves. I always had time to do my hair and dress nicely before I left the house. And I had lots of ideas about how other people's children should behave.

I knew exactly what I would do if my kids ever screamed their way through the grocery store or kicked another person's seat for the entire two-hour plane ride. I just knew that my kids would never act that way because I would know how to discipline them.

Ten years later, I'm older and wiser and have drug a screaming child out of the grocery store and apologized profusely to the person sitting in front of my 3-year-old who kept kicking the seat. I've sat on the front porch while a child sat in her room screaming at the top of her lungs for the entire neighborhood to hear.

Disciplining our kids isn't easy. Sometimes the constraints of our location or the people we're with limit our options. There's not much you can do to discipline a child in the confines of an airplane without making the entire plane of people miserable.

Sometimes our own mental state makes discipline difficult. I don't know about you, but there are days where I'm simply too tired to want to deal with the same behaviors I've been trying to work on for the past month. I'm simply happy if the kids aren't tearing up the house.

But discipline is so important. No matter the circumstances, disciplining our kids has to be a priority -- not because we enjoy it or because we want to punish our children. Discipline needs to be a priority because it's through discipline that our kids learn the attitudes and behaviors that are appropriate and pleasing to God.

Proverbs 13:18 says "Whoever disregards discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored." Discipline teaches our kids the values and principles on which they should base their actions.



Sometimes, though, we find that our discipline methods simply aren't working. Either we've misread what's important to our child or our current method has simply outlived it's usefulness. When that happens, it's time to ask for some help. Talk with your friends about how they deal with certain situations, whether it's lying or disrespectfulness. God gave us Christian friends and family to help us out when we've reached the end of our effectiveness.

So, today, let me be your friend and offer a few suggestions of some things that have worked with our kids.

• Always provide the tools to do better next time. Wait for your child to calm down, and wait to be calm yourself, then discuss what happened. Ask your child what they could have done differently to get a better result. Help your child figure out a way to resolve the situation that got them in trouble, so the next time they are faced with a similar situation, they can deal with it appropriately.
• Provide a scripture to back up your point. Giving your kids a scripture that deals with the situation takes the authority off your shoulders and puts it on God's shoulders. Many kids respond better to a "rule" that comes from God than they do to a "rule" that comes from you.
• Isolate a social kid. One of the most effective punishments I've found with my youngest is to have her stand in the corner facing the wall in the same room as the rest of us. She's not allowed to talk or participate in anything going on around her until her time is up. It's almost painful for her to stand there.
• Find your child's currency. Figure out what's important to your child, then make that thing a privilege. My youngest loves her video game time, so we use it as a discipline tool. If the offense is great enough, we'll take her video game time away. Figure out what it is that your child enjoys enough that it's painful when it's gone.
• Sports and activities are a privilege. Yes, you're paying for them, but if that's what's important to your child, then missing a practice or a game may be the way to get through to them. Letting down their teammates because they chose not to behave appropriately at home may be just the ticket to getting their attention.

Whatever method you use to discipline your kids, quit using it if it's not working. Figure out a new way to get through to your child. Use the resources available to you: friends, family, books. Be creative in looking at your child's personality and figuring out his currency.

Discipline takes a lot of work and persistence on the part of the parent, but the results are changed hearts and attitudes in our kids.

Personality Matters

My oldest is a sensitive soul. All I have to do to get a point across to her is look at her sternly. She's also a rule follower. She always tells me what she is doing and asks before doing anything she thinks will be outside the rules. I've often said that monkeys could raise her. She's that easy to discipline.

My youngest, on the other hand, is strong-willed and no respecter of rules. If you draw a line in the sand, she will jump over it. In her mind, rules are simply suggestions of how she should behave. She may or may not follow them, depending on how she feels that day. She's difficult to discipline because she's not often swayed by what we think.

With these two different personalities living in our house, we learned early on that our discipline methods would have to be individualized based on our girls' personalities. What works with my youngest would crush the spirit of my oldest, and what works with my oldest doesn't even cause my youngest to miss a step.

Ephesians 6:4 says "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Using discipline methods that don't take into account the personality of your child, is a sure way to exasperate them.

Take a moment to consider your child's personality, then think about the way you discipline them. Are your discipline methods working? Are they tailored to your child's personality? Are your methods teaching your children or crushing them? Are you seeing heart and behavior change when you discipline?

If your discipline doesn't seem to be effective, then it may be time to change what you're doing to get different results. Consider some of these things when deciding how to discipline your kids.

• Don't crush a sensitive child. Kids who take everything to heart and wear their feelings on their sleeves can be hurt by harsh discipline. If your child internalizes everything you say, you want to be very careful not to use your words to harm. These kids often respond really well to a rational discussion of the issue. For these kids, being yelled out seems worse than losing privileges.
• Avoid placing too many rules on a child who likes to break them. Some kids see rules as a challenge. As soon as you make a rule, they will set out to see how far they can bend it. Try setting up broad parameters for these kids. We did this with our youngest. We no longer talk about things we don't do. We talk about how our actions need to show respect for God, others and ourselves. All those things we don't want her to do fall under these three things, but we no longer have a list of rules to follow. The goal is to get her to change her heart, not follow a list of rules. If there are few rules to bend, then we can spend more time talking about how our behavior should reflect God's priorities.
• Don't break the spirit of a strong-willed child. Kids who are stubborn and strong-willed can drive a parent to tears. Our frustration can cause us to come down on them with a really heavy hand. But it's important to remember that God gave them that little stubborn personality for a reason. The goal of discipline is not to break their spirit; it's to mold that spirit.
• Be consistent. No matter the personality of your child, no discipline is effective if it's not consistently applied. Inconsistent discipline confuses kids and leaves them guessing about what to expect.

No matter your child's personality, remember that God created them to fulfill a purpose in His plan. He gave them parents to help guide and direct them. Discipline is meant to teach them and to turn their hearts toward God. And discipline is at its most effective when it is tailored to the personality of your child.

One Size Does Not Fit All

I've read lots of books about discipline. Sometimes I take away good stuff that I can use, and other times I look at the book and think, "Does this person even have children?"

The trouble with books about discipline is that they often assume that all children are the same. What works with one child will work with all children. If you've ever met more than one child, you know that each child is different. So it stands to reason that what works with one child may not work with another.

Too many discipline schemes are based on a system that takes a one-size-fits-all approach. Effective discipline will take an individualized approach. The key to effective discipline is finding the things that matter to your child.

My youngest is a tough kid. She's not phased by much. She doesn't really care if you're upset with her. You can talk until you're blue in the face and not get through to her. But take away her video game time or tell her she can't go to hockey practice, and you've got her attention.

My oldest is just the opposite. She couldn't care less about video games, but raise your voice or express disappointment, and she will dissolve into a puddle of tears.

Clearly, attempting to have one system of discipline for both of my kids would never work. When we set up systems for discipline without taking into account the children we are disciplining, we undercut the effectiveness of the system.

God didn't make us all alike, so it's silly for us to assume that what works for one child will work exactly the same way for another. Psalm 139:13-14 says "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." We need to take into account those fearfully and wonderfully made attributes when we consider discipline. We're setting ourselves up for failure when we institute a discipline system that doesn't take our children's individuality into account.

If you look at how God disciplined the Israelites and how he later disciplined David, you'll see He didn't use the same tactics. He let the Israelites wander around in the desert for 40 years to make His point. David's son died because of his sin.

• Use your kids' natural likes and dislikes to institute discipline. Taking away TV time from a child who prefers to read isn't effective, but taking a favorite TV program away from a child who loves TV will make an impact.
• Don't be afraid to use different discipline tactics for kids in the same household. Your kids are not the same, so the methods you use for discipline may not be the same. Your kids may think this is unfair, but it's not about fairness. It's about effectiveness.
• Remember that discipline is about teaching. Whatever method is going to be most effective to teach our children how to change their heart and improve their behavior is the one we should be using.

Spend some time today considering your kids. See if your current discipline system takes into account their individuality. If it doesn't, then work to revamp your system.

Memory Monday: Discipline (Proverbs 3:11-12)

Every now and then, I hear from readers who want to know why I've never tackled the topic of discipline in this space. Honestly, I've left discipline alone because it's such a broad and difficult topic. There's no one way to discipline your kids. What works in our house may or may not work in yours. The discipline I'm comfortable with handing out may not be the one that you're comfortable with.

However, in the past few weeks, God has been showing me that there are some commonalities to all forms of discipline. For discipline to be effective, we have to understand what it is, why we should discipline and how God views discipline.

All week, the blog is going to look at discipline. Today, we're going to examine what discipline is and what it isn't. Tomorrow, we'll look at why a one-size-fits-all approach is a terrible way to approach discipline. Wednesday, we'll focus on our kids' personalities and how they should affect the way we discipline each of our kids. In Thursday's blog, we'll look at some practical ideas for disciplining our kids.

The word discipline rarely brings to mind warm and fuzzy thoughts of a loving relationship. More often it conjures up a picture of sternness and punishment. So, what is the true picture of discipline?

• Discipline stems from love. Proverbs 3:11-12 says, "My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in." God disciplines us because He loves us. We should approach discipline with our children as an act of love -- not one of anger or frustration. Never discipline your children when you are angry. Your kids won't learn anything and your discipline will become punishment.
• Discipline is not punishment. Punishment is designed to hurt someone. It is a sentence for a crime. Discipline is designed to teach our children. If we hand out discipline to our children without helping them learn something from the situation, then we're not disciplining, we're punishing. Discipline provides our kids with the tools to change the way they handle the same situation in the future. Punishment does not.
• Discipline should touch the heart. When we discipline our children, we are looking to change their hearts. We can get our children to follow any rules we set up with a grudging attitude. They can choose to follow those rules without ever engaging their hearts. Discipline should focus on heart change, not just behavior change.
• Discipline must fit your child. Every child is different, and no one method of discipline is going to work for every child. We use different methods on each of our girls. Their personalities are so different that using the same methods on both kids would be a waste of time. Sometimes, it takes a few tries to figure out what works with your child.

I think disciplining our kids is one of the hardest parts of being a parent. However, God discipline us because He loves us. If we model our parenting on God, then we need to look at disciplining our children as an act of love, as well. Memorize Proverbs 3:11-12 this week as you examine your heart and attitude toward disciplining your children.

Pride Has No Place in Discipline

Have you ever been out in public when your child decides to present their worst behavior to the world? What's your first reaction? Anger? Embarrassment?

My youngest was not an easy baby or toddler. She wanted things to be her way, and she wanted them now! She was also a world-class tantrum thrower. We pretty much gave up eating out in public with her for more than a year because it was such a miserable experience for everyone. Many times I gave up on my errands and took her home during the time when she was between 18 months and 3 years old.

My overwhelming thought when she was throwing a fit in public was to simply get out of public sight. I felt judged as a parent and embarrassed that my child would act this way. It really wasn't any different than what she did when she got angry at home, but we were, gasp, in public, and I just knew everyone in the store was staring at me wondering what kind of parent I was.

When she would throw a fit at home, we would put her in her room and let her scream it out. When she was done, we would deal with the underlying issue. Out in public, that wasn't an option -- plus there were people watching. There were times when I would get upset with her simply because I was embarrassed.

You know what I learned through dealing with my toddler daughter in public? An embarrassed, angry parent does not make good decisions about discipline. You see, discipline is loving correction. It's meant to teach and to change the heart attitude behind the incorrect behavior. When we discipline our children when we're angry or embarrassed, we're not worried about their heart, we're worried about our image.

Pride can get in the way of effective discipline in a hurry. Proverbs 16:18 tells us "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." We don't want our pride to cause destruction, especially not the destruction of our children. When we discipline out of pride, we miss the opportunity to grab a teachable moment and change our children's hearts. Discipline should be done out of love and never anger or pride.

Here's the silly thing about our children acting up in public. Many times our kids misbehave in the middle of the grocery store or the mall where there are lots of people to see. But, how many of those people do we know? Usually none. Why do we care what a bunch of perfect strangers think? Is their opinion more important than grabbing a teachable moment with our children?

So, what do you do when you're out in public and your child decides to show the rest of the world how terribly behaved they can be? Take a deep breath. Find an out-of-the-way corner of the grocery store or the mall or the playground. Pray and ask God to help you administer discipline with an attitude that focuses on your child's heart, not on your own embarrasment. Then, deal with the situation at hand.

I've been known to stand my kids in the corner of the grocery store for a time out. I'll take away privileges or if we're in the grocery store, I'll take away the opportunity to get the free cookie from the bakery. I've also been known to take my girls home and deal with the issue there. There's nothing wrong with any of those options as long as they are done out of love and a true desire to change a child's heart and behavior and not out of anger.

The next time you're out in public, and your child starts acting up remember that to deal with your child effectively, the focus needs to be on her heart and behavior and not on your pride.

Your Kids Need a Parent

Somewhere in the past 30 years, parents have lost their way. Somewhere along the way parents became more concerned with being their children's friend than with being their parent. I want to let you in on a little secret: Your child doesn't need another friend; he needs a parent.

There's nothing wrong with sharing fun times and laughter with your kids. In the end, though, your role is that of parent -- someone who guides, sets limits and loves unconditionally. When we strive to be our child's friend instead of her parent, we blur the lines of responsibility and set our kids up to be confused.

When you act like your child's friend instead of his parent, you make it difficult for him to respect your authority. Without that authority, we will find it difficult to set limits and make them stick. It's hard to administer discipline that means anything without that authority.

When we become more concerned with whether our children like us than we are with teaching them what's right, that's a problem. There are going to be times as a parent where your children don't like you. They won't like your rules or your discipline. Those are the moments to hold firm and grow a thick skin. Proverbs 13:24 says "Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them." Now, this verse isn't advocating beating your children. It's simply stating that discipline is part of loving your kids. It's impossible to effectively administer discipline if you are more worried about your children liking you than you are in molding their character.

Enjoy your children. Have fun with them. Laugh with them. Encourage them. Share in their joys and sorrows. Through it all, remember your primary role is that of parent. Don't compromise your ability and God-given role to help your children grow and become the person God wants them to be by trying to be their friend instead.