Winning and Losing Well

My youngest daughter hates to lose. It doesn't matter if she's playing in a playoff hockey game or racing her sister to the car, she wants to win. Much to the frustration of her sister and friends, she would rather quit in the middle of a game than finish it and lose.

While that drive to win can be a great motivator, it can also be a liability. I don't know how many tears have been shed in this house over the years over losing a board game or a Wii game. We spend a lot of time talking about not being a sore loser.

But as important as it is to know how to lose well, it's also important to know how to be a gracious winner. My youngest daughter tends to be a bit on the obnoxious side when she wins something. I do believe the words "In your face" and "I'm the best" have been known to come out of her mouth on occasion.

In the past six months, we've been working with her on learning to win and lose well because winning or losing in life is often based on talent and/or luck. How you act when you win or lose, however, is based on your character. Whether you win or lose says nothing about who you are. How you win or lose reflects what is in your heart.

Our kids are going to win and lose at things all through life. How they deal with the highs and lows that come along with those wins and losses reflects back on God. Graciously congratulating the winner when they lose or complimenting the loser for a well-played game when they win shows humility and maturity.

Proverbs 11:2 tells us "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." When our children are arrogant winners or poor losers, it's a reflection of pride taking a hold in their heart. That poor reaction to losing is rooted in the idea that "I'm too good to lose." The obnoxious celebration of an arrogant winner stems from the attitude that "I'm better than you."

Neither of those are attitudes that are pleasing to God. Humilty isn't easy to teach, especially if you have a child who doesn't like to lose. But it's an important lesson that will make a difference in our children's lives as they mature.

• Before your children enter into a sports, dance or other competition, pray with them. Pray that they would do their best and that they would accept both winning and losing with a gracious spirit.
• Institute a no quitting rule in your home. Whether it's a board game or a championship game, it's important to finish what you start. If your child is allowed to quit every time he thinks he's going to lose, the he never learns to lose well.
• Don't shelter your children from losing. Always letting them win at a game is not giving them the opportunity to learn to lose. It's OK to beat your 4-year-old at CandyLand sometimes. It gives them an opportunity to deal with the feelings that come with losing. If our children never lose at anything until they're older, it's a lot harder for them to learn how to deal with it.
• Make sure your kids know that their value to you and to God is not tied up in whether they win or lose a game. Our kids will place too much value on winning if they think that is the only way they can gain our approval. Even when your kids lose, find things to focus on that they did well. Use the loss as a learning experience about what to do better next time but also find time to focus on good things they did in the loss.
• Talk with your kids about how to handle a loss. Explain that temper tantrums and blaming the other person or team for a loss does not reflect humility and graciousness. Encourage them to find something good to say to the other player or team, congratulating them on their win.
• Talk with your kids about how to handle winning. If your team is up 10-1, then celebrating your eleventh goal with fist pumps and jumping up and down is just rude. While it's exciting to score, we need to always take into consideration the fact that the other people playing the game have feelings, too.
• Remind your kids that how they win or lose is what is important. Winning is fun, and losing is tough, but our reaction to those circumstances is much more important than whether we actually win or lose.

It's never fun to lose. I don't know anyone who says, "I hope I lose this game," but winning isn't the most important thing in life. A humble spirit and a willingness to reflect God's love to others is much more important to God than whether you win a game. God cares whether you win or lose well -- not whether you win or lose.

Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone (Part 2)

Yesterday, I wrote a post about relying on God's strength, not our own. Sometimes when I write a post, God, with His timely sense of humor, checks to see if I really practice what I preach. My morning yesterday was an excellent example of that.

I had the wonderful privilege of being invited to share with a local MOPS group yesterday. I had spent Wednesday afternoon preparing for my talk. I had some pretty handouts, a nifty PowerPoint presentation and a pretty polished presentation. I was feeling pretty good about things when I went to bed on Wednesday night.

Thursday morning, I sent my girls off to school and gathered all of my things. About 20 minutes before I needed to leave, I ran downstairs to print off my notes. To my horror, I discovered that my notes were nowhere to be found. They had disappeared into the electronic abyss.

Sitting in my chair, I looked heavenward and said "Are you serious? That verse I wrote about had better be true!" So, I sketched out a quick outline, said a fervent prayer that God would fulfill His promise in 2 Corinthians 12:9 and make His strength perfect in my weakness and went off to speak.

The morning went really well. The ladies in the MOPS group were engaging and welcoming, and not once did I feel nervous or lost as I spoke to them. I didn't give the most polished presentation. Instead, I spoke from my heart and shared some things I hadn't planned to share when I planned my talk. God showed up and you could feel His presence in the room. By the time it was over, I was actually feeling glad that God had thrown out my plan and gone with His instead.

You see, I know that God was busy yesterday, kicking the platform of my pride out from underneath my feet. He knew what those MOPS moms needed to hear, and it wasn't exactly what I had planned. He knew that I was relying on my own knowledge and ability more than I was relying on Him, so He stepped in to give both me and the MOPS moms the reminders that we needed.

Yesterday morning, I had two choices: I could rail at God and try to put my plan back together or I could surrender and go with His plan. When you're faced with those choices, I want to tell you it's always better to go with God's plan.

Ephesians 3:20 tells us "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" God can do great things through us, but we have to get out of the way and let Him work. Sometimes he has to bring us to a place where our pride is in tatters and our choices are limited. But know this, God always shows up.

He has promised to never leave us or forsake us. When God changes our plans, He's often trying to teach us to rely on Him and let Him provide us with the strength and grace for the task. While I truly thought God was off his rocker yesterday morning, He left me with no choice but to trust in His grace and strength. When I did, He did so much more through me that I could "ask or imagine."

While I'm grateful for the lesson, I'm hoping I've learned it well enough that the notes for my talk at our church's women's retreat this weekend don't disappear into that electronic abyss as well. But if they do, I know God will show up and take charge.

If you have something that you're doing that you're relying on your own strength to tackle -- a tough parenting situation, a project at work or even a lesson you're getting ready to teach -- give it to God and ask Him to provide the grace and strength you need. Hand over your pride and watch God work.

Pride Has No Place in Discipline

Have you ever been out in public when your child decides to present their worst behavior to the world? What's your first reaction? Anger? Embarrassment?

My youngest was not an easy baby or toddler. She wanted things to be her way, and she wanted them now! She was also a world-class tantrum thrower. We pretty much gave up eating out in public with her for more than a year because it was such a miserable experience for everyone. Many times I gave up on my errands and took her home during the time when she was between 18 months and 3 years old.

My overwhelming thought when she was throwing a fit in public was to simply get out of public sight. I felt judged as a parent and embarrassed that my child would act this way. It really wasn't any different than what she did when she got angry at home, but we were, gasp, in public, and I just knew everyone in the store was staring at me wondering what kind of parent I was.

When she would throw a fit at home, we would put her in her room and let her scream it out. When she was done, we would deal with the underlying issue. Out in public, that wasn't an option -- plus there were people watching. There were times when I would get upset with her simply because I was embarrassed.

You know what I learned through dealing with my toddler daughter in public? An embarrassed, angry parent does not make good decisions about discipline. You see, discipline is loving correction. It's meant to teach and to change the heart attitude behind the incorrect behavior. When we discipline our children when we're angry or embarrassed, we're not worried about their heart, we're worried about our image.

Pride can get in the way of effective discipline in a hurry. Proverbs 16:18 tells us "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." We don't want our pride to cause destruction, especially not the destruction of our children. When we discipline out of pride, we miss the opportunity to grab a teachable moment and change our children's hearts. Discipline should be done out of love and never anger or pride.

Here's the silly thing about our children acting up in public. Many times our kids misbehave in the middle of the grocery store or the mall where there are lots of people to see. But, how many of those people do we know? Usually none. Why do we care what a bunch of perfect strangers think? Is their opinion more important than grabbing a teachable moment with our children?

So, what do you do when you're out in public and your child decides to show the rest of the world how terribly behaved they can be? Take a deep breath. Find an out-of-the-way corner of the grocery store or the mall or the playground. Pray and ask God to help you administer discipline with an attitude that focuses on your child's heart, not on your own embarrasment. Then, deal with the situation at hand.

I've been known to stand my kids in the corner of the grocery store for a time out. I'll take away privileges or if we're in the grocery store, I'll take away the opportunity to get the free cookie from the bakery. I've also been known to take my girls home and deal with the issue there. There's nothing wrong with any of those options as long as they are done out of love and a true desire to change a child's heart and behavior and not out of anger.

The next time you're out in public, and your child starts acting up remember that to deal with your child effectively, the focus needs to be on her heart and behavior and not on your pride.