Change the Tone

For the past few days, my kids have been enjoying hacking around on an electronic keyboard that's on loan from my parents. The girls love to stand at the keyboard and pound out a "song." There's only one problem. My girls don't know how to play the keyboard.

What comes out of the keyboard is the most disharmonious sound you can hear. Several times this week, I've had to send them to do something else just to give my poor ears a rest.

Yet, yesterday, a friend of ours came over and began playing the keyboard. This talented musician created beautiful melodies on the same instrument that my girls used to create headache-inducing sound. The difference? Our friend knew which keys to use to make a harmonious sound.

I don't know about you, but sometimes our house sounds more like my girls playing the keyboard than it does like my friend who can make beautiful music. Mean words, sibling competition and frustrated parents make for a disharmonious tone in our home.

The key to creating harmony between siblings and even parents is the same as creating harmony on the keyboard -- training. Very few people can walk up to a musical instrument and start playing Mozart. They have to learn to play the instrument, usually starting with simple songs and scales.

Our kids also need to be taught to create a harmonious tone in our homes by showing respect for others and getting along with their siblings. Take steps to train your kids to live at peace with each other, so your home is a refuge for everyone who lives there.

Romans 12:18 says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Helping our kids to understand that peace and harmony in our homes depends on their actions and choices puts us on the road to having that peace under our rooves.

• If you have a piano or other instrument, show your kids the difference between a harmonious sound and a disharmonious sound. Ask them which one sounds better. Explain that bickering, arguing and disrespect are the equivalent of disharmonious sounds. Getting along and showing respect for others make a harmonious sound. Encourage your kids to create harmonious sounds in your home.
• When your kids start arguing, calmly explain that you don't allow that behavior in your home, then escort them outside -- no matter the weather. Tell them they can come back in when they are going to contribute to harmony in the household.
• If your kids can't solve a disagreement, don't hesitate to step in and teach them how to solve it. Too often, we simply solve the disagreement for our kids, which teaches them nothing. It's so much easier to simply send them to separate rooms or tell them to play something else than it is to solve the underlying issue. But teaching them to solve their problems means you won't have to step in as frequently. Offer your kids options for compromise and help them figure out which one to take.
• When your kids start to bicker, give them a task to do together. I usually hand over the bathroom cleaning supplies when my kids start arguing with each other. Forcing them to work together to complete a task in a small space forces them to figure out how to work together.

A harmonious household is a peaceful place to live and creates a welcoming atmosphere. Everyone hits a discordant note at times, but the goal is to have your home be a place of refuge more often than it is a place of bickering. May your home be blessed this week with the sounds of harmony.

Sibling Love

Some days, I think my girls would rather eat nails than spend time with one another. Like any siblings, they argue over silly things, get jealous of each other and do what they can to annoy one another. But, other days, they love each other, stand up for each other and help each other. It's sometimes like living with Jekyll and Hyde.

Yesterday, my youngest came home with a paper that she had written at school. The question was "If you could spend the afternoon with any member of your extended family, who would it be?" This is what my youngest wrote:

I would spend the time with my sister because she loves me and without her I would be super bored.
She cheers me up when I am sad.
When I am hurt she gets my mom and she's always there for me.

When I read it, I had to smile. Despite the way my girls act sometimes, they really get it. They understand that their sister is going to be there for them. Both girls know that when the chips are down her sister will be standing there beside her.

I want my girls to be friends as well as sisters -- the kind of friends who will drop everything for the other one. John 15:13 says "Greater love has no one than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." That's the kind of friends I want my girls to be.

Siblings go through phases where they often seem not to like each other. But, if we foster an atmosphere of working together and always supporting each other in our families, our kids will get it.

• Make supporting each other a priority in your family. In our house, unless the weather is beyond miserable or the other child has her own event, we all go to every game or concert. We tell our girls that it's part of being a family. If we're at a game, the sibling not playing is expected to sit, watch and cheer while the game is going on -- no going off to play on the playground or run around with the other younger siblings. The reason we're all there is to support the child playing, and we expect the non-participating sibling to be supporting her sister as well.
• Foster cooperation. While the temptation is often to separate our kids when they're arguing, forcing them to work together to accomplish a task makes them work through their issues. If my girls are at each others' throats, I'll often give them a chore to complete together. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor." Usually by the time my girls are done with their chore, they've forgotten what they were arguing about in the first place.
• Don't tolerate words that tear each other down. When your kids start to say mean things to each other, send them outside to sit on the front step -- no matter the weather. Calmly explain that you don't allow that kind of talk in your house and send them out the door. Tell them they can come back in when they have tamed their tongues and apologized to each other.
• Don't compare. Each of your children is unique. They are not going to react the same way or accomplish the same things. No matter how great the temptation, avoid comparing your children. This sets up competition and resentment. There's enough natural competition between siblings. We, as parents, don't need to add to it.

I was reminded by my daughter's paper yesterday that my girls really do get it. They love each other and know the other one has their back. I let my older daughter read the paper. She didn't say much, but the smile on her face told me she felt special. Help your kids understand that family is about drawing close and circling the wagons when someone in the family is having a tough time.

Family should be an extension of God's love here on earth. The arms of your family members should be the tangible arms of God's love. Help your children be those arms to their siblings, so that atmosphere of love will last even when you're no longer around to encourage it.

Sibling Rivalry

We have two weeks left before school starts. Between travel, camps and just hanging out with our friends, it seems as if the summer has flown by. One thing I've noticed in our household as we near the end of summer is that my girls are becoming more likely to argue and fight with one another. It could have something to do with the 100-degree heat we've been experiencing -- tempers are short, and we're stuck inside -- but I think it has more to do with the natural animosity that siblings feel for each other from time to time. It's tough sharing your life with someone you didn't get to choose.

From the beginning, siblings had trouble. The first instance of sibling rivalry ended badly--with Cain killing Abel. We definitely don't want our kids following in their footsteps. We all have people in our lives who rub us the wrong way sometimes. As adults, we usually do a good job of dealing with our frustration (or at least hiding it). Our kids are still in the process of developing those coping skills. Our job, as parents, is to foster a spirit of cooperation and love in our homes between our sometimes very different children. On the days when your kids are pushing each others' buttons and generally driving you up a wall with their constant bickering, look for ways to help your kids recognize the good in each other and for ways to get them to help one another.

Ideally, we want our children to recognize the value of the sibling relationship. They can love one another and look out for one another when mom and dad aren't around. We want our families to be able to close ranks against the world around a wounded family member -- not be the reason for the wounds. Our goal is to help our children recognize the value in their siblings and the value in families. We want our children to view their siblings as friends and helpers, not as competition. Proverbs 17:17 says "A friend loves at all times," and John 15:13 says "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." When we persuade our children that this is the goal, it cuts down on the animosity between them.

If you're in the throes of sibling rivalry at its finest, this may seem like an impossible task. It's not, but it won't happen overnight. It takes a pattern of consistently offering opportunities for cooperation and constant prodding to support the other sibling.

• Create a policy in your home that, if at all possible, family members support another member of the family in whatever they are doing. Both my girls play sports. If the my oldest has a soccer game, and the youngest doesn't have anything else going on, my youngest is expected to be at the game. The same holds true if my youngest has a hockey game and my oldest doesn't have anything else going on. We hear the usual grumblings, but our response is always "Families support each other." The grumbling has started to subside, and my girls have figured out that being part of a family comes with responsibilities to other members.
• Force your kids to work together. I often give my girls chores that they have to work together to complete. It puts them in a situation where they have to figure out how to cooperate to accomplish a task. It also gives them the chance to see the other sister's skills and talents. Try giving your kids a scavenger hunt or other fun task to complete where they have to work together to reach the reward at the end.
• Teach your kids to rely on each other. Talk with your children about how when they are at school or at someone else's house together, they need to look out for one another. Remind them that when you are not around, their sibling is their best option for help and support.
• Put a small bucket or basket on each child's door. Let your children know that the baskets are for them to leave notes for one another. The only rule is that the notes must be kind and uplifting. They can thank each other for things, point out good things the other one has done or just leave a note to say hello. This opens the lines of communication between siblings. Put one on your door as well, so your kids can leave you notes, too.

Siblings are never going to get along 100 percent of the time, but God put each of those children in the same home for a reason. Creating an atmosphere where cooperation and support for each other is the norm, not the exception, goes a long way toward helping your children appreciate their siblings.