Memory Monday: One-on-One Time (Matthew 16:18)

We spent the weekend taking my youngest daughter to her first in-season National Hockey League game. We don't have a hockey team here, so we made the four-hour trek to St. Louis to see the Blues play. Her big Christmas present was three tickets to the game.

That's right, she got three tickets -- one for her, and one each for mom and dad. We left big sister at home with the grandparents. We didn't leave our older daughter at home because we don't like her or because she's a terrible traveler. We left her at home because we wanted this trip to be special, one-on-one time with our youngest. (Just so you know we're not leaving our oldest out, she got soccer tickets that don't include her sister.)

We made the trip with a hockey buddy of my daughter's and his family. And we had a fabulous time. When you have more than one child, it's easy to lump your children together as "the kids." We know that our kids have different personalities and different needs, but when life is moving at 100 miles per hour, we tend to think in terms of "the kids would like that" or "that would be tough to do with the kids." In our brains, we begin to think of them almost exclusively as a group.

That's why it's always good to take some time to hang out with your kids individually. I don't know about your kids, but mine often act differently when their sibling is not around. It's like they have two personalities -- the one that comes out when they're part of group and one that comes out when their alone. It's hard to really understand your child if you never get to spend time with him by himself.

Separating your kids and spending some alone time with each one reminds both you and them that you know they are individuals. It helps us focus on their individual personalities and character, and it reinforces the idea that we can't always treat our kids the same.

Jesus knew this. Check out how He treated His disciples. He didn't treat them all the same. There were times in the Gospels when He would speak to just one of them. One of the most notable examples comes in Matthew 16 when Jesus is talking to Peter. Now, Peter was a lot like my daughter in that he was strong-willed and could be difficult, but in this passage, he showed great insight. Peter answered Jesus' question about who He was by saying "You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God."(Matthew 16:16). Jesus then gave Peter words that He knew Peter would need a short time later. "And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it." (Matthew 16:18)

Not too many days later, Peter would deny that He even knew Jesus. Jesus took the time to have a one-on-one conversation with Peter, so He would have Jesus' words in his brain when he realized what he'd done.

One-on-one time with our kids is a great time to follow Jesus' example and encourage them. When we get our kids by themselves, we can use that time to pour encouragement and love into them. That encouragement and love may hold them steady through a rocky time ahead.

Spending one-on-one time with each of your kids is also a good way to get them talking. Even though my daughter had a friend along this weekend, each family had its own hotel room. The window in our hotel room had a small ledge that perfectly fit my daughter's behind. She quickly decided her favorite place in the room was sitting in the window. She climbed up there and gave us a detailed description of what was going on outside. It was a glimpse into the things that fascinate her.

Spending time alone with each child also reminds us of all the things we love about each one. If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know that my youngest daughter can be strong-willed and difficult. This weekend we were reminded that she's also sweet, kind and fun. I needed that reminder to draw on for the days ahead when she will be stubborn, difficult and rude.

Make some time to spend individually with your kids. Remind yourself of all the reasons you love them. It will make your child feel special and the tough days easier.

Empty Praise

I read an article the other day about how teachers are changing the way they praise children in the classroom. For the past decade or so, the prevailing theory has been that children need praise even if they haven't earned it. Schools started giving out awards and praising kids for things that required no effort or learning, all in an attempt to boost a child's self-image. The theory was that if kids had a better sense of self-esteem, then they would work harder in school.

All that empty praise has led to, well, nothing. Test scores haven't risen, and studies now show that kids who are given meaningless praise are actually afraid to try difficult things. Those kids are afraid that if they try something difficult and fail, they would ruin the image their teachers' had of them. Failure would mean that they are no longer as smart as their teachers had been telling them they were.

Researchers have discovered that kids who receive praise that is earned -- even if it meant trying something three or four times -- will try harder the next time they're faced with a problem. When the praise is based on their actual performance, it means something, and kids are less afraid of failing the next time.

God knew this long before these researchers figured it out. He gave us directives against lying and empty words. One of the first commands He gave the Israelites was "You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor" (Exodus 20:16). In other words, "Don't lie."

In Matthew 5:37, Jesus admonishes us to let our word stand by itself. He encourages us not to embellish our promises with oaths but to simply mean what we say, "All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one."

Our words mean something, especially when it comes to our kids. We need to avoid the trap of empty praise and instead use our words to encourage our kids to live a life that's pleasing to God. Constantly praising them for things over which they have no control (like appearance) or giving them praise they didn't earn makes our words meaningless when we praise them for something they did do well.

Try praising your kids in one of these ways:

• Praise them for character qualities. If you catch your child being kind to another child or patient when patience isn't his strong suit, praise your child for it.
• Be specific in your praise. Don't just praise your child for a job well-done, praise them for something specific that they did.
• Praise your child in a way that encourages them to try something difficult the next time. If your child has attempted a difficult task, praise them not for the task but for having the courage to try something hard.
• Only give praise if it has been earned. Don't give your child empty praise. Kids are smart. They know when they didn't earn the praise. Praise your kids often, but make sure your words are true and meaningful when you do.

Praise is important in a child's life. They need to hear words of praise and encouragement. They just need to know that those words are true -- not empty.

Celebrate

I love to throw a party. I love creating a theme, planning the decorations, food and games, and I love the looks on my kids' faces when they see the house decorated for the first time.

We throw parties around here all year long. We've had a spy sleepover for no good reason. We're having a traditional Halloween party in a couple weeks. We have big birthday parties, and every year we have a cookie decorating party at Christmas.

Those parties are a lot of work, but they are worth it. They bring the laughter and voices of my girls' friends into my home for an hour and a half. The kids spend that time enjoying each others' company, laughing and playing.

Yet, as many parties as we have during the year, it's only a few days out of 365. While we're really good at celebrating the big milestones -- birthdays and holidays -- we're not as focused on celebrating the everyday moments and accomplishments.

God wants our lives to be filled with joy. He wants us to let the joy of knowing Him bubble over into our everyday lives. That joy should help us celebrate and encourage our children. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." There's no better way to encourage our kids than to celebrate the little things.

When we encourage our kids by celebrating their accomplishments -- both large and small -- we make home a haven for them. Our homes become a place where they know they are loved and cherished.

I'm not saying you should puff your child up and give them an inflated sense of self-worth because that only leads to a prideful attitude. What I am saying is the world constantly tells our kids they aren't pretty enough, rich enough, smart enough or cool enough, and it's our job to counteract that with encouragement. Choose legitimate accomplishments to celebrate with your kids.

My oldest daughter struggles with spelling. She simply isn't the world's best speller. We make a big deal out of 100 percent on a spelling test with her. It's a small accomplishment, but one that requires a lot of studying on her part to get it right. Her perfect tests hang on the refrigerator, and we make sure she gets lots of praise for it.

Both my girls play sports. We celebrate goals and great play with ice cream after the game. It's not a reward for scoring; it's a celebration of a game well-played.

Look for opportunities to encourage your kids by celebrating the little things.

• Celebrate report cards. Don't have all A's? Celebrate the improvement from a C to a B. Celebrate improved behavior scores.
• Celebrate the fun days on the calendar. Did you know there's a National Ice Cream Day, a National Donut Day and a National Clown Week? Have fun with your kids and celebrate those days together.
• Celebrate good behavior. If your child is struggling with a particular behavior, catch her doing what she should and celebrate it. Let her pick dinner or dessert. Add an extra 15 minutes to her bedtime.

By celebrating the everyday moments and successes in your children's lives, you offer them encouragement and joy. And who doesn't want to live in a home filled with encouragement and joy?

Find something to celebrate today.

Encourage Dreaming

My 7-year-old daughter's school music program is next week. The theme is "What I Want to Be When I Grow Up." Instead of having the kids all dress alike, the music teacher is having them all wear a costume of what they want to be when they grow up. My daughter is going dressed as a hockey player.

Now, the likelihood that my petite little girl is going to actually make a living hockey playing hockey in the National Hockey League is miniscule, but we haven't told her that. She's a smart kid. She'll eventually figure it out. But, right now, we're going to let her go ahead and dream about playing hockey for a living.

You see, right now, she has a big dream. If I use the thorn of reality to pop the bubble of that dream, then I take away something precious from her. At 7 years old, it's harmless for her to want to be the next Alex Ovechkin.

When I was younger, I wanted to be an astronaut. You'll note I'm not currently hurtling through space on the space shuttle. My parents probably knew I wasn't going to end up as an astronaut (I hated math), but they encouraged my dream. They even sent me to Space Camp.

God gives us talents, dreams and ambitions. If we are so mired in reality that we insist on popping the bubble on our kids' dreams, we take away the opportunity for them to stretch their imaginations, try new things and eventually find the special place that God has for them. You know, if someone had told me that being a journalist was a lousy job that didn't pay much, had horrible hours and was a profession populated with cynical people, I would never have gained the skills that allow me to write this blog.

God has given humans an amazing capacity to dream -- sometimes beyond our capacity to reach. But, think of what amazing feats we would have missed if someone had told Picasso he would never be an artist or if the Wright brothers had listened when people told them they would never fly.

Jesus said "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God" (Mark 10:27). While we might think our children's dreams are impossible, you never know which one of those dreams God may make possible.

So, encourage your kids to keep dreaming, and dream some yourself. Who knows 15 years from now, you may see a petite young lady with curly hair taking the ice -- in the NHL.