Live at Peace With Everyone

No matter how much we’d like to, we don’t always get to choose the people who have influence over our kids. If you haven’t already, you’re likely going to run into at least one adult in your child’s life, whom you would not have chosen to be in a leadership role. It may be a teacher, a coach or a friend’s parent.

Our first instinct when that happens is to step in to protect our kids. However, that may not always be the right response. At some point, our kids have to learn that they aren’t going to like or even get along with everyone who is in a position of authority over them. I’ve had a couple of bosses that I wasn’t too fond of.

If we use these situations as teaching opportunities for our kids (and sometimes for us, too) we equip our kids to deal with what a friend of mine likes to call sandpaper people. You know, those people who simply rub you the wrong way.

This doesn’t mean that there are never situations where you need to step in and remove your child from a person’s authority. If an adult in leadership is causing your child harm, either physically or emotionally, then it’s time to step in. But if it’s simply a matter of personalities clashing, then it’s best to equip your kids to deal with this person.

Romans 12:18 says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." There are times when it isn't possible to live at peace with everyone, but we need to teach our kids to make the effort.

• Pray for the person. It's difficult to be angry or actively dislike someone you are praying for. Praying for someone who is making your life difficult creates feelings of compassion for them.
• Pray for the situation. Ask God to help your child find the best way to deal with the situation. Ask Him to change any of your or your child's attitudes that are getting in the way of improving the situation.
• Don't undermine the other adult's authority. If your child hears you complaining about their teacher or coach, then they will begin to question that person's authority over them. Whatever concerns you have about the relationship need to be dealt with outside the hearing of your child. Undermining the other person's authority gives your child the message that that person does not deserve his respect.
• Listen to your child's concerns. Don't simply brush off your child's complaints. Help your child decide whether those complaints are valid and whether the solution relies on your child or the person in authority.
• Change the things you can. If your child is clashing with her teacher on something small like where to put her name on the paper or how to line up in line, then it's your child who needs to change. On bigger issues, like a coach benching your child for no reason that he can see, help your child focus on the things that are within his control. He can't change the fact the coach benched him, but he can work harder in practice.
• Let your child deal with the situation first. If your child is involved in a personality clash with a teacher or coach, offer strategies for dealing with the situation, but let your child have a stab at improving the situation first. This gives them some control over the situation and lets them practice dealing with conflict. Be there to back your child up, but give your child the first try.
• Come up with a plan for dealing with the situation. We often can't change the other person, but we can work around them. If your daughter is concerned about how her coach's practice strategies are affecting her game, see if you can find another practice for her to attend along with her regular team's practice.

Dealing with people with whom we don't see eye to eye is difficult, but it is a skill that everyone needs to learn. Giving your child opportunities to learn to "live at peace with everyone" will build their relationship skills, so when it really matters, they'll have constructive tools for dealing with others, not destructive ones.

Change the Tone

For the past few days, my kids have been enjoying hacking around on an electronic keyboard that's on loan from my parents. The girls love to stand at the keyboard and pound out a "song." There's only one problem. My girls don't know how to play the keyboard.

What comes out of the keyboard is the most disharmonious sound you can hear. Several times this week, I've had to send them to do something else just to give my poor ears a rest.

Yet, yesterday, a friend of ours came over and began playing the keyboard. This talented musician created beautiful melodies on the same instrument that my girls used to create headache-inducing sound. The difference? Our friend knew which keys to use to make a harmonious sound.

I don't know about you, but sometimes our house sounds more like my girls playing the keyboard than it does like my friend who can make beautiful music. Mean words, sibling competition and frustrated parents make for a disharmonious tone in our home.

The key to creating harmony between siblings and even parents is the same as creating harmony on the keyboard -- training. Very few people can walk up to a musical instrument and start playing Mozart. They have to learn to play the instrument, usually starting with simple songs and scales.

Our kids also need to be taught to create a harmonious tone in our homes by showing respect for others and getting along with their siblings. Take steps to train your kids to live at peace with each other, so your home is a refuge for everyone who lives there.

Romans 12:18 says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Helping our kids to understand that peace and harmony in our homes depends on their actions and choices puts us on the road to having that peace under our rooves.

• If you have a piano or other instrument, show your kids the difference between a harmonious sound and a disharmonious sound. Ask them which one sounds better. Explain that bickering, arguing and disrespect are the equivalent of disharmonious sounds. Getting along and showing respect for others make a harmonious sound. Encourage your kids to create harmonious sounds in your home.
• When your kids start arguing, calmly explain that you don't allow that behavior in your home, then escort them outside -- no matter the weather. Tell them they can come back in when they are going to contribute to harmony in the household.
• If your kids can't solve a disagreement, don't hesitate to step in and teach them how to solve it. Too often, we simply solve the disagreement for our kids, which teaches them nothing. It's so much easier to simply send them to separate rooms or tell them to play something else than it is to solve the underlying issue. But teaching them to solve their problems means you won't have to step in as frequently. Offer your kids options for compromise and help them figure out which one to take.
• When your kids start to bicker, give them a task to do together. I usually hand over the bathroom cleaning supplies when my kids start arguing with each other. Forcing them to work together to complete a task in a small space forces them to figure out how to work together.

A harmonious household is a peaceful place to live and creates a welcoming atmosphere. Everyone hits a discordant note at times, but the goal is to have your home be a place of refuge more often than it is a place of bickering. May your home be blessed this week with the sounds of harmony.

No Guarantees

I'm pretty sure my 7-year-old has the flu -- you know the fever, achy, coughing flu. She's staying home again today, and I'm praying that she can stay fever free. She's missed an entire week of school, and she may miss her hockey games tomorrow (can't wait for the drama that announcement is going to create). This wasn't supposed to happen.

You see, back in October, my whole family got the flu shot to protect us from just this scenario. My husband marched the girls into the doctor's office and dealt with all the drama that goes along with taking two little girls to get a shot. He walked out with two girls who were protected from the ravages of the flu for the year.

Except they weren't. The flu shot only covers scientists' best guesses as to the strains of flu that will be in circulation that year. Sometimes they're wrong, and even those people who get the shot get the flu. This appears to be one of those years in our house.

This whole episode with illness reminded me of a question my youngest asked in the car the other day. She wanted to know if being a Christian meant we were protected from bad stuff. At first, I thought, "Where did she get that idea?" but then I realized that this is a common misperception. Sometimes we think that being a Christ-follower is like getting the flu shot in that it will protect us from something bad happening to us. That's simply not true.

God doesn't promise us a life that is free of challenges and trials. As a matter of fact, Jesus said "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). He promises us peace in our troubles, but He does not promise us a life without trouble.

Help your kids get their minds and hearts around this concept:

• When tough things happen to your kids, and you hear the inevitable, "That's not fair," talk with your kids about how God didn't promise that life would be fair. Share John 16:33 with them. Ask them what they think peace is. Help them to understand that God is with us even when life gets tough. Talk about how God's grace and peace gives us strength to get through the tough situations.
• Write down some good things and some bad things on slips of paper. Put them in a bag or a hat and have your kids take turns drawing them out. When they draw out a slip, ask them how they would feel if that event happened to them. Remind them that during the good times in our lives, we should be thankful, and during the bad times, we can rely on God to give us peace.

When tough times come, remember that being a Christ-follower is not a cure-all for everything that ails us. We shouldn't expect life to suddenly be easy. We should simply expect a life filled with grace and peace -- even when times are tough.