Live at Peace With Everyone

No matter how much we’d like to, we don’t always get to choose the people who have influence over our kids. If you haven’t already, you’re likely going to run into at least one adult in your child’s life, whom you would not have chosen to be in a leadership role. It may be a teacher, a coach or a friend’s parent.

Our first instinct when that happens is to step in to protect our kids. However, that may not always be the right response. At some point, our kids have to learn that they aren’t going to like or even get along with everyone who is in a position of authority over them. I’ve had a couple of bosses that I wasn’t too fond of.

If we use these situations as teaching opportunities for our kids (and sometimes for us, too) we equip our kids to deal with what a friend of mine likes to call sandpaper people. You know, those people who simply rub you the wrong way.

This doesn’t mean that there are never situations where you need to step in and remove your child from a person’s authority. If an adult in leadership is causing your child harm, either physically or emotionally, then it’s time to step in. But if it’s simply a matter of personalities clashing, then it’s best to equip your kids to deal with this person.

Romans 12:18 says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." There are times when it isn't possible to live at peace with everyone, but we need to teach our kids to make the effort.

• Pray for the person. It's difficult to be angry or actively dislike someone you are praying for. Praying for someone who is making your life difficult creates feelings of compassion for them.
• Pray for the situation. Ask God to help your child find the best way to deal with the situation. Ask Him to change any of your or your child's attitudes that are getting in the way of improving the situation.
• Don't undermine the other adult's authority. If your child hears you complaining about their teacher or coach, then they will begin to question that person's authority over them. Whatever concerns you have about the relationship need to be dealt with outside the hearing of your child. Undermining the other person's authority gives your child the message that that person does not deserve his respect.
• Listen to your child's concerns. Don't simply brush off your child's complaints. Help your child decide whether those complaints are valid and whether the solution relies on your child or the person in authority.
• Change the things you can. If your child is clashing with her teacher on something small like where to put her name on the paper or how to line up in line, then it's your child who needs to change. On bigger issues, like a coach benching your child for no reason that he can see, help your child focus on the things that are within his control. He can't change the fact the coach benched him, but he can work harder in practice.
• Let your child deal with the situation first. If your child is involved in a personality clash with a teacher or coach, offer strategies for dealing with the situation, but let your child have a stab at improving the situation first. This gives them some control over the situation and lets them practice dealing with conflict. Be there to back your child up, but give your child the first try.
• Come up with a plan for dealing with the situation. We often can't change the other person, but we can work around them. If your daughter is concerned about how her coach's practice strategies are affecting her game, see if you can find another practice for her to attend along with her regular team's practice.

Dealing with people with whom we don't see eye to eye is difficult, but it is a skill that everyone needs to learn. Giving your child opportunities to learn to "live at peace with everyone" will build their relationship skills, so when it really matters, they'll have constructive tools for dealing with others, not destructive ones.

Change the Tone

For the past few days, my kids have been enjoying hacking around on an electronic keyboard that's on loan from my parents. The girls love to stand at the keyboard and pound out a "song." There's only one problem. My girls don't know how to play the keyboard.

What comes out of the keyboard is the most disharmonious sound you can hear. Several times this week, I've had to send them to do something else just to give my poor ears a rest.

Yet, yesterday, a friend of ours came over and began playing the keyboard. This talented musician created beautiful melodies on the same instrument that my girls used to create headache-inducing sound. The difference? Our friend knew which keys to use to make a harmonious sound.

I don't know about you, but sometimes our house sounds more like my girls playing the keyboard than it does like my friend who can make beautiful music. Mean words, sibling competition and frustrated parents make for a disharmonious tone in our home.

The key to creating harmony between siblings and even parents is the same as creating harmony on the keyboard -- training. Very few people can walk up to a musical instrument and start playing Mozart. They have to learn to play the instrument, usually starting with simple songs and scales.

Our kids also need to be taught to create a harmonious tone in our homes by showing respect for others and getting along with their siblings. Take steps to train your kids to live at peace with each other, so your home is a refuge for everyone who lives there.

Romans 12:18 says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Helping our kids to understand that peace and harmony in our homes depends on their actions and choices puts us on the road to having that peace under our rooves.

• If you have a piano or other instrument, show your kids the difference between a harmonious sound and a disharmonious sound. Ask them which one sounds better. Explain that bickering, arguing and disrespect are the equivalent of disharmonious sounds. Getting along and showing respect for others make a harmonious sound. Encourage your kids to create harmonious sounds in your home.
• When your kids start arguing, calmly explain that you don't allow that behavior in your home, then escort them outside -- no matter the weather. Tell them they can come back in when they are going to contribute to harmony in the household.
• If your kids can't solve a disagreement, don't hesitate to step in and teach them how to solve it. Too often, we simply solve the disagreement for our kids, which teaches them nothing. It's so much easier to simply send them to separate rooms or tell them to play something else than it is to solve the underlying issue. But teaching them to solve their problems means you won't have to step in as frequently. Offer your kids options for compromise and help them figure out which one to take.
• When your kids start to bicker, give them a task to do together. I usually hand over the bathroom cleaning supplies when my kids start arguing with each other. Forcing them to work together to complete a task in a small space forces them to figure out how to work together.

A harmonious household is a peaceful place to live and creates a welcoming atmosphere. Everyone hits a discordant note at times, but the goal is to have your home be a place of refuge more often than it is a place of bickering. May your home be blessed this week with the sounds of harmony.

Fostering Understanding

Today, I'm going to talk about a concept that has become something of a dirty word in our society -- tolerance. So many times a disagreement will degenerate into someone calling someone else intolerant, simply because they don't agree on an issue. Many times, people will call Christ-followers intolerant because we believe that Jesus is the only way to a relationship with God.

Jesus, himself, said "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me" (John 14:6). However, Jesus was also the picture of understanding. He hung out with the poor, the tax collectors and the sick. These were people who were normally shunned in His society. No one could accuse Him of being intolerant.

We want to foster the qualities of compassion and understanding in our children. We want them to exhibit those qualities just like Jesus did. Yesterday, we talked about how to support your kids when they make choices that are outside the accepted norm among their peers. Today, let's discuss the importance of teaching our kids to accept others who may not fit the stereotypical mold and even to live at peace with those that they may not necessarily get along with all the time.

My oldest daughter has a child in her class that the other kids have decided to pick on. My oldest has an inborn sense of compassion that makes her go out of her way to help others to start with, but the plight of this little boy really bothers her. We've talked about it over and over again throughout the year. She's decided the best thing she can do is to simply continue to treat this little boy just like she would any other child in her class. Several times she's found herself in the position of standing up for this child to the others. That's the way we want our kids to act when faced with a situation where a child is different.

Creating compassion and understanding for others is a process that can only be fostered at home. What your kids see at home is how they will act when they are away from you. Even with children that they tend to butt heads with, we want our kids to act with compassion and understanding. Romans 12:18 says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Compassion and understanding go a long way toward helping your kids to live at peace with everyone.

To help foster compassion and understanding, try some of these ideas:

• Remind your kids that God loves everyone, including those children who are different or who rub them the wrong way.
• Add the kids with whom your children are having trouble to your family prayer list. Nothing takes away animosity like praying for someone. It's hard to hang onto anger or frustration when you're praying for someone.
• Encourage your children to be champions of the "weak." Point out times when Jesus championed someone who was disliked or considered weak in His society. Celebrate the times when your kids stand up for others in the face of ridicule or peer pressure. Create a Champion award that you give to your child when they show compassion and understanding to someone else.
• Point out to your children some famous people that were different as children. Albert Einstein had trouble learning to read. His teachers thought He was stupid.  He went on to become probably the most famous scientist. Talk about what the world would have been like if everyone had given up on Einstein.
• Model compassion and understanding for your kids. Look for ways that you can stand up for others in your own life. When your kids see you doing it, it will become easier for them to do it as well.

Offering compassion and understanding to others doesn't mean that you always have to agree with them. Jesus didn't always agree with what the people He helped were doing, but He loved them anyway. We can show compassion and understanding to others without offering approval to everything they do. The goal is to love like Jesus loved, so that others can see Jesus in us.