You Never Know

My youngest daughter got a new hat and gloves the other day. She picked them out herself. They are bright pink, and the hat has a cute, little brim on the front of it. She looks adorable, and the color is striking with her black coat.

She wore them to school for the first time on Monday, and some kid decided to make fun of them because they were pink. Personally, I couldn't figure out the insult in making fun of a girl for wearing pink, but it hurt my daughter's feelings. She came home in tears.

Then, two things happened. We went to hockey practice that night, walked into the locker room and the first thing out of our goalie's mouth was "I like your hat." I could have hugged the kid. He had no idea that kids had teased my daughter about her hat. It lifted her spirits and made the day better.

When she came home from school on Tuesday, I asked if anyone had made fun of her hat. She said one little boy did, but it was a joke. This little boy had taken pink gloves from his sister and was hiding his hands in his pockets. He asked Carolyn why she was wearing a pink hat. Then pulled out his pink-clad hands and said "because I think you took my hat."

Both these little boys lifted my daughter's spirits and counteracted the mean words of another child. Our goalie did it without knowing she had been hurt. The other little boy went out of his way to make her feel better.

These boys illustrated the point that our words and actions toward others matter. Proverbs 12:18 says "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." One recklessly spoken word can do more damage than we know, but one uplifting and kind word can heal hurts we may not even know exist.

The Christmas season is a time when old hurts run close to the surface. Wounds we may not even know about, losses we've never shared and stress we can't see can all cause the people we come into contact with every day to be hurting without us knowing it.

Be cautious with your words all the time, but especially during this season. Look for opportunities to say an encouraging word to others. You never know what that person is going through. Your words might be the difference in their day.

Encourage your kids to offer kind words to their friends. Talk with them about looking for opportunities to lift others up. If you see a child who is upset, encourage your kids to find out what's wrong and offer that child encouragement.

You never know when your words will make a difference. You never know when what you say will be the balm that heals the wounds caused by the piercing words of others. You just never know.

39 Clues to You: Week 7

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I'm sure it seems like I've forgotten to update all of you on our summer's quest to help my girls and their friends recognize and appreciate their differences. We finished up our summer adventure last week, but since we were in the middle of our series on money, I decided to hold off on sharing it with you until today.

It's been an amazing summer with these girls. Each one of them has grown and learned something new about the others. I'd love to tell you that they treat each other with respect and never argue and fight anymore, but that would be a lie. They do, however, think a little bit more before they speak, understand how different doesn't mean bad and know that God gave each of them gifts and talents unique to them.

For our last week together, we returned to the topic of the tongue. Everyone has a tough time hanging onto their tongue. It seems as if our tongues have the fastest connection to our brains, and unfortunately, we too often speak before we're finished thinking.

Our verse for the week was James 3:5, "Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark."

To illustrate the permanence of words once they leave our mouths, we had a Silly String war. The girls shot Silly String at each other until their cans were empty. Then, we looked around at the mess. We talked about how our words are like the Silly String. Once they leave our mouths, we can't stuff them back in, just like we can't put the Silly String back in the can. We also talked about what a big mess our words can make, and that mess isn't as easily cleaned up as a bunch of Silly String on the ground.

After cleaning up the mess in the backyard, we came back inside to see how our words can be like a fire and leave others feeling burned. I put a piece of newspaper in a metal pan. I showed the kids the flame of a lighter. We talked about how that flame was under control. When the flame is under control, it doesn't hurt anyone -- just like a tongue that's under control. However, when that flame gets out of control, it burns things up -- just like our tongues can do if we don't control them. Then, I lit the piece of newspaper on fire. It flamed up and burned quickly. We were left with a charred mess of ash. I had the girls look at the ash, and we talked about how our tongue is like that fire. It can turn people to ash on the inside.

Our featured girl for the day was my youngest daughter's best friend. She does gymnastics and loves to play board games. So, we had her show us how to do a cartwheel and a handstand. Each of the girls tried both of those things, and we managed to avoid serious injury. Then, we went outside and tried our feet at the balance beam (which was the railroad tie border of our rock garden). We did dips and scales. Everyone learned that it's a whole lot harder than it looks to walk across a 4-inch wide beam.

After gymnastics, we came back inside and our friend taught us two of her favorite card games -- Spit and Snap. We discovered that some of the girls really loved the speed and strategy of Spit while others hated it. Snap was pretty much universally enjoyed.

We finished our day back where we started it, talking about our tongues and how we should think before we speak. The girls each took home a candle to remind them that we want our tongues to be like a flame that's under control, not one that's burning things up.

Summer Fun: The 39 Clues to You -- Day 3

We're back on schedule with our summer adventure -- 39 Clues to You. If you missed the first two posts about our adventures, you can find them here and here. The goal of 39 Clues to You is to teach my girls and four of their friends about the value of others. Join us on our journey as we learn that it matters to God how we treat each other because each person is precious to Him.

We drove home from Colorado yesterday -- that's 10 hours in the car. Now, we don't have a spacious minivan or SUV where each girl has lots of space to themselves. My car is a VW Passat station wagon (which I love, by the way). The bigger the girls get, the less room they each have -- and the more often they fuss at each other.

We've found the trip home always seems longer than the trip out, probably because everyone is tired of each other and just plain tired. Yesterday, our girls started the trip bickering with one another. It wasn't so much what they actually said to one another as how they said it.

My girls are old enough to know better than to flat-out insult one another, but they are experts at making sure their tone conveys exactly what they think of their sister at that moment. It's frustrating, and we've been trying to impress on our girls that our tone and what we are thinking is equally as important as the words that actually come out of our mouths.

Today's 39 Clues adventure focuses on the importance of treating others respectfully with our words. But I'm not going to lecture on what words God wants us to use or not use. Giving the kids a list of rules to follow simply makes God seem like a hard taskmaster. No, today, we're going to go after the root of the problem and take a look at our hearts.

Our memory verse for today is Luke 6:45: A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

It's what's in our hearts that determines what comes out of our mouths. If we're filling our hearts up with anger, frustration and meanness, then that's what's going to come out of our mouths. However, if we are spending time with God each day and letting Him fill us up with His love, then words that reflect His love will come pouring out of our mouths.

To illustrate this point with the girls, I'm giving them each a cup and a bowl. We're going to pour water in the cups until they overflow into the bowls. Then we're going to talk about what we expected to come out of the cups. We poured in water, so why didn't we expect orange juice or hot chocolate to come out when it overflowed?

We'll talk about how our hearts are like the cup. We can't expect love to overflow out of our hearts into our words, if we're not filling our hearts up with God's love. We'll spend some time talking about what our speech will sound like if it's overflowing with God's love. And we'll discuss how words really do matter. We can't take them back once they're out, and they can hurt worse than an actual punch to the arm.

Before we use our cups in our illustration, I'm going to have the girls use Sharpies to decorate them with hearts. Part of their homework will be to drink out of their cups everyday to remind them to fill their hearts up with God's love every day.

Our featured girl for the day is my next-door-neighbor's oldest daughter. I'll hand out the clues, and we'll figure out which girl we're going to learn about today. She's a gorgeous girl who is a lot of fun. She's super smart and  is an excellent problem solver. She loves to play piano and volleyball. So, today, she's going to teach the rest of us about her two favorite skills. We're going to get a little piano lesson, and we're going to head outside to bump and set our way through the afternoon.

After our activities, we'll come back inside and talk about how hard or easy each of them was. And, we'll talk about what we liked or dislike about each one. We'll have my neighbor's daughter talk about why she loves each of those activities.

We'll wrap up with a reminder that God made each one of  us different and our differences are what make us useful in God's plan. Even if some of the girls dislike the activities, they'll have a new appreciation for how difficult each one of those things is.

The girls will leave today with a devotional page that takes them through 1 Corinthians 13 in the next five days to help them spend time each day with God. They'll also leave with a challenge to write down the times this week when their words reflect God's love.

Hopefully, by the time they leave today, they won't just have a better understanding of the talents of one of their friends, but they'll be more aware of their words as well.

Stop the Bickering

I think my girls have been home more than they have gone to school in January. Between Christmas break, snow days, Martin Luther King day and sick days, we've spent a lot of time at home. The weather has been cold and wet, which means we've spent much of that time cooped up in the house together.

Now, I don't know what happens in your house when your kids spend a lot of time together inside, but in my house, those days generally deteriorate into my children saying things to each other that aren't very nice. Sometimes, gasp, the situation becomes so charged that they will hit or shove one another.

Sibling bickering is a part of most families. Having to share anything with another person goes against our naturally selfish natures. It's not natural for us to want to think about someone else before we think about ourselves. When we think only of ourselves, it's easy to say something we don't really mean or to lash out at someone else when things don't go our way. When your young and your brain has yet to develop all the brakes for impulse control, it's even easier.

The constant bickering can drive parents nuts. Too often, we simply react by separating our kids or offering up punishment without explanation. I know that my first reaction is to make my girls go sit in separate rooms. While that's a valid response and stops the immediate problem, it doesn't help my girls learn to get along or learn to think before they speak.

If  you are caught in the throes of sibling bickering, try some of these ideas.

• Have your kids memorize Ephesians 4:29, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." When you hear them saying something that doesn't fit the instruction in this verse, have them repeat the verse to you. Then ask them if they think what they just said fits with the directions in the verse.
• Cut out some lips from construction paper. Give each child a set of lips and a Band-Aid. Tell them that when they want to say something mean to their sibling, they should go stick the Band-Aid on the construction paper lips as a reminder not to say mean and hurtful things.
• Talk about putting others first. Read Philippians 2:3-4, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Talk about how when we get caught up in what we want, instead of putting others first, we can hurt other people with our words.
• Give your children a task to do together on a regular basis. Forcing them to work together gives them opportunities to work out their differences. It also lets them see that the other sibling can be a help to them.

If your kids are anything like mine, you'll have plenty of opportunity to work on stopping the bickering during the cold, snowy days of winter.  Remember to hold onto your own frustration and help your kids take the focus off their own wants and put their focus on the needs of others.

Impulse Control

My youngest was at a tailgate party for her hockey team last week when one of the little boys on her team said to her "Girls playing hockey is stupid! You're stupid!" Now, before I go on with this story, keep in mind that this is my child who has never backed away from a fight, and by any measure, those were fighting words. Keep in mind, also, that she had a the perfect weapon -- a hockey stick -- in her hand. However, on this night, it appeared that everything we had been trying to tell her about hanging on to her tongue and not letting other people bother her, had sunk in. She looked at the little boy, said "So, what?" and walked away.

I wasn't there to witness this breakthrough moment in my child's life, but I was so incredibly proud of her when she told me about it. I was even more proud when she told me, "I wanted to say, 'I think you're stupid,' but I didn't." In this one instance, my youngest had mastered the fine art of holding her tongue and taking the high road.

Too often, we speak or act first and think later. We act on our first impulse, which in tension-filled situations is rarely the right one. Think of all the hurt feelings and fractured relationships that could have been prevented if one person in a situation had simply taken three seconds to think before they acted or spoke. Adults who should know better often don't practice this in their relationships and broken homes and hearts are often the result.

Before we talk about our kids, today, take a moment and examine your own response to situations. Is it your natural reaction to speak first and think later or do you take a moment to look at the situation and decide on the best response? If you struggle with this, ask God to change your actions so they honor Him.

James 1:19 says "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." The key word in this passage is slow. Too often, we are quick to speak and quick to take offense. If we simply slow down and take a moment to think, we will be able to either defuse a tense situation or simply walk away from a volatile one.

Proverbs 10:19 tells us "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." Being quicker to hold your tongue than to speak is the sign of a wise person. We want our children to be wise in their choices, so we need to teach them how to control their impulses and think before acting.

• Institute a three-second rule. Encourage your kids to count to three before they decide to say or do  something. They should use that time to think about whether what they are about to say or do is the right thing to do. Have them use the criteria found in Ephesians 4:29 and Philippians 4:8 as a measure for their actions.
• Show your kids how just taking a few seconds to think can make a huge difference in the result. Set up a quick obstacle course in the yard (it can be as simple as weaving in and out of some cones). Don't let your kids see the course until after you have given them instructions. As soon as they approach the course, they have to run it -- no time to think or plot a strategy. Time them on a stopwatch. Then, let them run it again, but give them a minute to look at the course to decide the best way around it. Time them again. They're second time will usually be faster. Talk about how taking time to think about a situation allows us to choose the best way to navigate through it -- just like with the obstacle course.
• Prepare your children for different situations they might face by talking about them beforehand. Ask your kids what they would do if someone was picking on them or being mean to one of their friends. Plan strategies for dealing with a situation with tact and grace. When they are faced with those situations down the road, they will have already thought them through with you and will be better equipped to handle them.

Employ these principles in your own life, so your kids have a model for how to deal with a touchy situation. This week, consciously take time to think before you act.

Memory Monday: Proverbs 16:28

It's Monday, so that must mean it's time for a new verse. One of my readers mentioned to me that the last two weeks, the verses were pretty long, so this week's is short and easy. This one's for you, Kristy. While the verse, itself, is short, it's oh so difficult to put into practice because it deals with gossip. If there's one thing in this world that most women struggle with (besides an incredible fondness for chocolate), it's taming our tongues. And, as I'm sure any of you with school-aged kids know, our kids struggle with it, too.

The problem with gossip is that most of the time it's not true, and it is almost always hurtful to someone else. You know the hurt gossip can cause either through a personal experience or through having your child come through the door in tears because someone started a rumor about her. Gossip is never helpful; it always hurts. And most of the time, the gossip becomes so convoluted and twisted that any semblance of truth is completely gone. Gossip can destroy friendships and cause dissension in families. Satan loves gossip because it is so easy to twist the truth when we're willing to gossip.

Today's verse Proverbs 16:28 is a reminder of the consequences of choosing to gossip. It says "A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends." I don't know about you, but I don't want to be considered perverse or the person who broke up friendships. I certainly don't want my children to be on the giving or the receiving end of gossip.

One of my favorite ways to teach my girls about the dangers of gossip is to play the old telephone game where one person whispers something to the next person until it goes all the way around. Usually what comes out of the last person's mouth doesn't at all resemble what the first person said. This gives you a great illustration of the way a story can change when it passes through many people. Remind your kids that if they have any concern about whether a story is true, then they should ask the person the story is about. And if something is hurtful or mean, they should just ignore it.


Remind your children never to repeat a story unless they know it to be true. If they don't know if something is true, remind them to talk to you first before repeating it. Together, you can figure out if it is true, and if it is something worth repeating.

Remember, too, that if your children hear you gossiping with others, all your teaching about gossip will go right out the window. You have to set the example with regard to your tongue, so your children can follow it.

So, this week, as you memorize this verse, guard your tongue. Examine the things that come out of your mouth for truth. If it's not truthful or helpful, don't say it. Remind your children of the same. Let truthfulness and helpfulness be the standard against which you and your children measure your words.