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I've read lots of books about discipline. Sometimes I take away good stuff that I can use, and other times I look at the book and think, "Does this person even have children?"
The trouble with books about discipline is that they often assume that all children are the same. What works with one child will work with all children. If you've ever met more than one child, you know that each child is different. So it stands to reason that what works with one child may not work with another.
Too many discipline schemes are based on a system that takes a one-size-fits-all approach. Effective discipline will take an individualized approach. The key to effective discipline is finding the things that matter to your child.
My youngest is a tough kid. She's not phased by much. She doesn't really care if you're upset with her. You can talk until you're blue in the face and not get through to her. But take away her video game time or tell her she can't go to hockey practice, and you've got her attention.
My oldest is just the opposite. She couldn't care less about video games, but raise your voice or express disappointment, and she will dissolve into a puddle of tears.
Clearly, attempting to have one system of discipline for both of my kids would never work. When we set up systems for discipline without taking into account the children we are disciplining, we undercut the effectiveness of the system.
God didn't make us all alike, so it's silly for us to assume that what works for one child will work exactly the same way for another. Psalm 139:13-14 says "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." We need to take into account those fearfully and wonderfully made attributes when we consider discipline. We're setting ourselves up for failure when we institute a discipline system that doesn't take our children's individuality into account.
If you look at how God disciplined the Israelites and how he later disciplined David, you'll see He didn't use the same tactics. He let the Israelites wander around in the desert for 40 years to make His point. David's son died because of his sin.
- Use your kids' natural likes and dislikes to institute discipline. Taking away TV time from a child who prefers to read isn't effective, but taking a favorite TV program away from a child who loves TV will make an impact.
- Don't be afraid to use different discipline tactics for kids in the same household. Your kids are not the same, so the methods you use for discipline may not be the same. Your kids may think this is unfair, but it's not about fairness. It's about effectiveness.
- Remember that discipline is about teaching. Whatever method is going to be most effective to teach our children how to change their heart and improve their behavior is the one we should be using.
Spend some time today considering your kids. See if your current discipline system takes into account their individuality. If it doesn't, then work to revamp your system.
Every now and then, I hear from readers who want to know why I've never tackled the topic of discipline in this space. Honestly, I've left discipline alone because it's such a broad and difficult topic. There's no one way to discipline your kids. What works in our house may or may not work in yours. The discipline I'm comfortable with handing out may not be the one that you're comfortable with.
However, in the past few weeks, God has been showing me that there are some commonalities to all forms of discipline. For discipline to be effective, we have to understand what it is, why we should discipline and how God views discipline.
All week, the blog is going to look at discipline. Today, we're going to examine what discipline is and what it isn't. Tomorrow, we'll look at why a one-size-fits-all approach is a terrible way to approach discipline. Wednesday, we'll focus on our kids' personalities and how they should affect the way we discipline each of our kids. In Thursday's blog, we'll look at some practical ideas for disciplining our kids.
The word discipline rarely brings to mind warm and fuzzy thoughts of a loving relationship. More often it conjures up a picture of sternness and punishment. So, what is the true picture of discipline?
- Discipline stems from love. Proverbs 3:11-12 says, "My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in." God disciplines us because He loves us. We should approach discipline with our children as an act of love -- not one of anger or frustration. Never discipline your children when you are angry. Your kids won't learn anything and your discipline will become punishment.
- Discipline is not punishment. Punishment is designed to hurt someone. It is a sentence for a crime. Discipline is designed to teach our children. If we hand out discipline to our children without helping them learn something from the situation, then we're not disciplining, we're punishing. Discipline provides our kids with the tools to change the way they handle the same situation in the future. Punishment does not.
- Discipline should touch the heart. When we discipline our children, we are looking to change their hearts. We can get our children to follow any rules we set up with a grudging attitude. They can choose to follow those rules without ever engaging their hearts. Discipline should focus on heart change, not just behavior change.
- Discipline must fit your child. Every child is different, and no one method of discipline is going to work for every child. We use different methods on each of our girls. Their personalities are so different that using the same methods on both kids would be a waste of time. Sometimes, it takes a few tries to figure out what works with your child.
I think disciplining our kids is one of the hardest parts of being a parent. However, God discipline us because He loves us. If we model our parenting on God, then we need to look at disciplining our children as an act of love, as well. Memorize Proverbs 3:11-12 this week as you examine your heart and attitude toward disciplining your children.
We're hanging out at the lake this weekend with some friends, so I'm reposting one of my favorite posts for you today. I'll see you again on Monday.
I was out walking this morning when the sun came up. It was a gorgeous sunrise, all red and pink. I got to enjoy it the whole time I was walking down one street, but when I turned the corner toward my house, I could no longer see the beauty because the houses were in the way. They blocked my view.
It's so easy to miss seeing God and his awesome wonders because we let the everyday things in life block our view. If we aren't looking for God in the small things (and the big ones) then we can't help our children see Him, either. When was the last time you were so amazed by something that you couldn't help but stop and thank God for it? When was the last time you were struck speechless by the beauty of God's creation? If you can't name a specific time, it's been too long, and it's time to again start seeking God in the moments of your life.
Despite the houses blocking my view this morning, I could still see glimpses of the sunrise. Even when we aren't looking for God, He provides glimpses of Himself in our lives. Too often we chalk those things up to coincidence or good luck or we just don't think about them at all. Nothing is a coincidence if you are a Christ follower. God is always at work in our lives. We just have to recognize His work for what it is.
Teach your children how to find God at work in their lives, and show them how easy it is for us to get caught up in the everyday and miss seeing God's work.
- Either use a photograph or have your children draw a picture of something beautiful that God made. On other small pieces of paper, help your children write down things that can distract us from noticing God's creation -- they can be physical things like houses or things that make us busy, like school, activities and friends. Cover the picture with the smaller pieces of paper and talk with your children about how sometimes even good things like school and friends can distract us and have us overlook God's work in our lives. Take a minute to thank God for all of His creation and the things He is doing in your family's life.
- Ask your child to write a story or draw a picture, depending on their age. While they are working turn on the radio, the TV, talk to them, just generally make all sorts of noise. Make an effort to distract them. If they complain about it or after they are done, ask them how hard it was to focus on what they were doing. Explain that sometimes it's hard for us to focus on God because there are so many distractions that we sometimes miss what God is trying to tell us or we miss seeing the awesome things that He does. Talk about the types of distractions that your children face.
- Create altars in your children's lives. In the Old Testament, the Israelites would build an altar whenever God did something amazing. Genesis 12:8 says "From there he went on toward the hills east of Bethel and pitched his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. There he built an altar to the Lord and called on the name of the Lord." Create altars in your children's lives by pointing out when God is doing something great in their lives. You can mark the moment with a conversation, a note in a journal or even a physical momento. Being able to look back on what God has done in their lives will help them through the tough times because they will be able to see that God has been faithful.
As a parent, be sure to be looking for the moments that God does something in your life. Don't hesitate to share some of those moments with your kids. And don't let distractions in your life block your view of the sunrise moments that God provides.
Another summer adventure is in the books. We finished up the summer with a scavenger hunt that required the girls to complete tasks tied to their own unique talents. The prize was a trip to play laser tag.
I wish I could tell you that the six girls that gather around my kitchen table each week learned so much that they always make good decisions about what comes out of their mouths, they truly appreciate one another's differences and they always see themselves and others as masterpieces made in God's image.
But I can't.
The truth is that these six girls are like the rest of us.They still struggle to control their tongues, appreciate each others' differences and put the needs of others before their own.
The goal for the summer was not to end the summer with perfect children. The goal for the summer was to have the girls gain some perspective on their differences and begin to think about how they treat each other. And, in that respect, it was a success.
I've seen each of these girls take a minute to think before they act. I've seen them encourage one another. I've seen them begin to appreciate each other. And that's really what the purpose of our adventure was -- to begin to truly understand the importance of viewing each other as God's masterpieces.
Too often, I think, we expect big things when we're teaching our kids little lessons. We get frustrated when they don't immediately apply what we're teaching them. But raising kids is a process. We don't change our own behaviors overnight and neither will our kids. Yet every lesson we teach that is rooted in God's word plants a seed in our children's hearts. The time we invest is worth it even if we can't see any tangible results.
Isaiah 55:10-11 says "As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."
When we take the time to use God's word to teach our kids, it makes a difference in their hearts. God's word is never wasted. It always achieves His purpose. While we may not see immediate results, God's word is at work in the hearts of our kids. It may be years down the road or it may be tomorrow when we see the fruit that springs from that seed, but God's word bears fruit.
As we head into the school year, don't be discouraged if your kids fail to apply everything you're teaching. Simply know that God is using His word in their hearts. The seeds you plant today will bear fruit in their lives. It's a promise.
Our hockey player has had some upheaval in her little hockey universe. USA Hockey, the governing body for youth hockey in the United States, has mandated that all under 8 hockey programs move to a cross-ice format for games.
Last year, my daughter played full-ice hockey, just like the pros in the NHL. Through a bunch of research much too complicated for an 8-year-old to understand, USA Hockey has determined that a smaller ice area at a young age makes for better players as they get older.
Small area practices and games force the kids to move quickly, keep their heads up and improve their stick-handling, footwork and passing skills. As they get older and move to full ice, they are better hockey players because they have the fundamentals down.
None of this matters to my daughter. All she can see is that last year she got to play full-ice hockey, and this year she has to play "baby hockey." While I sympathize with the sentiment, it's my job to help her understand the benefits of this style of play for the next six months until she moves up to the next level when she'll go back to playing full ice.
As I've been pondering how to best help her approach the season, I realized that a lot of times, God gives us some small area practice before sticking us in the big game. Often, God will give us opportunities to learn and practice skills in small ways. He knows that we'll need those skills down the road for the bigger plans He has for us.
We often make plans and then get upset when those plans are thwarted. But our plans are never as good as God's plans. We can't even conceive of the things that God can plan for us. Proverbs 19:21 says, "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails."
Just like USA Hockey, God looks at the big picture. This year is going to be tough for my little hockey player and all her 8-year-old friends because they simply aren't old enough to grasp the big picture. Ten years from now, they may look back at this year and realize that it made them better hockey players, but right now it simply seems like a whole season full of unfairness.
The same is true for us. Too often, we can't see the big picture. We don't understand why we're being put to the test in the areas of patience, perseverance and faithfulness. God can see down the road. He's preparing us to do big things for Him, but many times He allows us to have some small area practice first. We may not enjoy that practice because we're busy looking at the big game and wondering when we're going to get in it. We may not appreciate the lessons we're mastering because they don't seem important.
But down the road, we're going to appreciate what we've learned. When we get a chance to participate in the big game of God's plan, we'll look back on those moments of small area practice and realize God was getting us ready. He was improving our fundamentals so we would be effective for Him in the long run.
Helping our kids understand this idea is important, too. So many times during those pre-teen and teen years, it can seem like all we're doing is marking time, waiting to be old enough to drive, old enough to date or old enough to leave home. Talking with your kids about how life is sometimes like a sport -- we have to practice before we get into the game -- can help alleviate some of those feelings of frustration. Knowing that those times are simply practice for something bigger gives our kids a sense of purpose and perspective that will see them through the waiting.
So, the next time you're faced with a moment where God is asking you to take what appears to be a step backward, remember that He may just be offering you some small area practice before asking you to take center ice in His plan.
I'm sure it seems like I've forgotten to update all of you on our summer's quest to help my girls and their friends recognize and appreciate their differences. We finished up our summer adventure last week, but since we were in the middle of our series on money, I decided to hold off on sharing it with you until today.
It's been an amazing summer with these girls. Each one of them has grown and learned something new about the others. I'd love to tell you that they treat each other with respect and never argue and fight anymore, but that would be a lie. They do, however, think a little bit more before they speak, understand how different doesn't mean bad and know that God gave each of them gifts and talents unique to them.
For our last week together, we returned to the topic of the tongue. Everyone has a tough time hanging onto their tongue. It seems as if our tongues have the fastest connection to our brains, and unfortunately, we too often speak before we're finished thinking.
Our verse for the week was James 3:5, "Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark."
To illustrate the permanence of words once they leave our mouths, we had a Silly String war. The girls shot Silly String at each other until their cans were empty. Then, we looked around at the mess. We talked about how our words are like the Silly String. Once they leave our mouths, we can't stuff them back in, just like we can't put the Silly String back in the can. We also talked about what a big mess our words can make, and that mess isn't as easily cleaned up as a bunch of Silly String on the ground.
After cleaning up the mess in the backyard, we came back inside to see how our words can be like a fire and leave others feeling burned. I put a piece of newspaper in a metal pan. I showed the kids the flame of a lighter. We talked about how that flame was under control. When the flame is under control, it doesn't hurt anyone -- just like a tongue that's under control. However, when that flame gets out of control, it burns things up -- just like our tongues can do if we don't control them. Then, I lit the piece of newspaper on fire. It flamed up and burned quickly. We were left with a charred mess of ash. I had the girls look at the ash, and we talked about how our tongue is like that fire. It can turn people to ash on the inside.
Our featured girl for the day was my youngest daughter's best friend. She does gymnastics and loves to play board games. So, we had her show us how to do a cartwheel and a handstand. Each of the girls tried both of those things, and we managed to avoid serious injury. Then, we went outside and tried our feet at the balance beam (which was the railroad tie border of our rock garden). We did dips and scales. Everyone learned that it's a whole lot harder than it looks to walk across a 4-inch wide beam.
After gymnastics, we came back inside and our friend taught us two of her favorite card games -- Spit and Snap. We discovered that some of the girls really loved the speed and strategy of Spit while others hated it. Snap was pretty much universally enjoyed.
We finished our day back where we started it, talking about our tongues and how we should think before we speak. The girls each took home a candle to remind them that we want our tongues to be like a flame that's under control, not one that's burning things up.
I have a child who struggles with obedience. I believe the politically correct term for this is "strong-willed." I think "stubborn" and "willful" also fit the bill.
On one of our trips this year, we stayed in a house that had a small beach that led to a dock on the lake. Because the beach had a steep dropoff into the water, we literally drew a line in the sand that we told the kids not to cross.
The first thing my daughter did was see how far across the line she could get before someone told her to get back. She had to know if she could touch the line, put her toes over the line or even get a foot over the line before she got in trouble. It wasn't enough for her to know that there was a rule. She had to know if the rule was going to be enforced.
I think we all struggle with obedience. How often does God tell us to do something or not to do something and we either ignore Him or see how far across the line we can get before we either get hurt or get our hand slapped?
God asks for our obedience to His commands, not because He loves setting up rules for us to follow but becuase obedience is a tangible sign of our love for Him. Even in the Old Testament, God wanted obedience to flow out of love, not just a rote following of the rules. Deuteronomy 11:1 says "Love the Lord your God and keep his requirements, his decrees, his laws and his commands always."
This verse tells us to love God first, then follow His commands. Our obedience to God is how we show we love Him.
Too often, being a Christ-follower can come across as a list of rules to follow. But Jesus' sacrifice on the cross was the ultimate act of love. God asks for our love. When we give Him that, obedience will follow.
Our kids need to know that being a Christ-follower isn't just a list of rules to follow. It's a lifestyle based on love. Because we love God, we choose to follow His commands. And, we love God because He first loved us and sacrificed His son so that we would not spend eternity separated from God.
As you memorize Deuteronomy 11:1 this week, talk with your kids about obedience. Explain that obedience is an act of love, whether it's obedience to you or obedience to God. Love makes obedience easier, but it's still a choice we have to make.
God loves us enough that He sacrificed His son for us. All He asks of us is that we love Him and show that love through obedience. Love is the key.
