Teach Respect

When my youngest was about 4, we started realizing we were going to have to pick our battles with her carefully. Strong-willed doesn't begin to start to describe her. We quickly realized we would be fighting with her over everything if we didn't decide what was important and what we were willing to let go.

When we sat down and looked at the things that were important, we boiled it down to two things: safety and respect. We decided the battles worth fighting with her were only worth it if they involved her or someone else's safety or if they involved respect, for herself or others.

Respect covers a lot of ground. It's not just about saying "please" and "thank you" or calling an adult "Mr." or "Mrs." Respect means putting others first and treating them like they are important. It takes into account someone else's feelings. It covers friends, family, people you don't like and yourself.

The Bible puts it this way: "Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor" (1 Peter 2:17). God doesn't tell us to respect the people we like or the people who have earned it. He says we should respect everyone, even those we don't like. When this verse was written, the emperor was persecuting the Christians, yet Peter tells those same Christians they must show respect to the emperor.

Respect is important because it shows others that we care about them. When we take into account someone else's feelings -- even when we don't particularly care for their point of view -- we acknowledge that they are due respect simply because they, too, were made by God.

So, how do we teach our children to respect others? It's such a vague concept. How do we break that down into a concrete form for our kids?

• Eliminate name-calling. When we call someone else a name or identify them as "stupid" or "dumb," we devalue the other person. Make a no name-calling rule in your home, and enforce it. Eliminate words like "stupid" and "dumb" from your household vocabulary.
• Teach your kids to think about how they would like to be treated, then encourage them to treat others that way. Jesus said "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets" (Matthew 7:12). When your kids treat their siblings or a friend in a disrespectful manner, discuss what happened with them and help them brainstorm better ways to treat their friends or siblings next time.
• Make respect a big deal. Create a contest where you reward your kids for respectful behavior. Make it fun and silly. For example, if you catch a child being respectful, crown them king or queen of dinner. Let them wear a goofy crown, get served first and be able to pick dessert.
• Don't hesitate to correct your kids, even if you're out in public. Disrespectful behavior is just like any other behavior. It becomes a habit if allowed to take root. Don't embarrass your children, but make sure they know that being in public doesn't shield them from the consequences of being disrespectful. My favorite correction for disrespect is to make my kids apologize, then start over with a new request or comment.
• Watch the tone. Kids can be disrespectful without saying anything wrong. Their tone of voice can convey disrespect. Call them on it when their tone gets out of hand. Make them ask for what they want in a tone that conveys respect. A good way to help your kids understand this is to tape record them and play it back. Ask them if they think their tone of voice is respectful. Practice modulating the tone with them.

Respecting others is simply putting the other person first and treating them like the beautiful creation of God that they are. If we keep that image foremost in our minds, respecting others will come easier.

A Dash of Compassion

We went to the school art fair last night. Now, I have to admit, this is not one of my favorite school activities. I'm up at school enough that usually by the time the art fair rolls around, I've seen all the artwork on the wall already. Neither of my girls is in chorus or band yet so we don't have a performance to watch. And last night we needed to rush from the art fair to soccer practice.

But last night was different. My youngest came home from school yesterday, raving about these owls her class had made in art class. She was excited about her own owl, but she was most excited about another little boy in her class and the owl he had made. She was telling me how he had done an "awesome" job and she couldn't wait to show it to me.

To be honest, I was kind of half-listening as I cooked dinner, but then she said something that made me look up and pay attention. She told me the little boy who had made the awesome owl had disabilities and someone else was making fun of his owl. She said, "I told the teacher, and he got in big trouble."

Now, I don't want to raise tattle-tales, but in that moment I was so proud of my daughter. In weeks past, she has come home and complained a bit about the extra attention this little boy gets and how he can be a disruption in class. However, when another child was going out of their way to belittle this little boy, my youngest stood up and said "That's wrong."

Last night, she was as proud of this little boy's owl as she was of her own. She recognized that creating that owl was a bigger challenge for him than it was for anyone else in her class. His owl wasn't the best one hanging on the wall. As a matter of fact, it wasn't cut out that well and the painting wasn't precise, but my daughter recognized that for this little boy, it was a big accomplishment. She was excited for him and had become his champion.

This is not my child who is known for her compassion. She's usually more than willing to look out for herself. She's just as likely to push you out of her way as she is to stop and lend you a hand. We've been working hard to get her to look outside herself and think of others first. Last night, we discovered that all of that work is making a difference.

Teaching compassion isn't easy. It seems that some kids are built with an innate sense of compassion while others have to be taught the quality over and over. Humans are born selfish. It's our nature to look out for our own interests, but God calls on us to have compassion for others and put them first. Philippians 1:3-4 says "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."

When we teach our children to put others before themselves, we teach them to become more like Christ. And we teach them to be champions for others who may not be able to stand up for themselves.

• Encourage your kids to walk a mile in someone else's shoes. When you see your child do something selfish, take a minute to talk with your child about how they would feel if someone had done that to them. Remind them of Matthew 7:12, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."
• Illustrate walking in someone else's shoes for your child. Give them a pair of your shoes, then have them walk around the house or take them outside and have them try to run. They will most likely stumble and trip. Talk about how hard it is to walk in shoes that don't fit you. Remind them that they need to withhold judgment on another's behavior because we have no idea what types of challenges they may be facing or how we would react if we were in the same situation.
• When something another child is doing bothers your child, help your child to see the reasons another child may do those things. Understanding someone's motivations or the obstacles they face may go a long way toward allowing your child to see past her own frustrations to offer some compassion to the other child.

Teaching compassion to our children is an ongoing job. It's not a lesson their selfish nature will allow them to learn in one sitting. Keep encouraging your child to put others' interests before their own and to understand others' circumstances and some night they will surprise you with their excitement for the accomplishments of others. Maybe you'll get to join in the excitement about someone else's beautiful owl, too.

How do you teach your child about compassion? Leave a comment or join us on Facebook or Twitter to join the conversation.