Raising Compassionate Kids

My youngest daughter came home from school the other day feeling sad for a little boy in her class. His cat had died before he came to school that day.

"Mom, he talked about that cat every day. He played with it every day after school. It could even play baseball," she said.

Now, it's not surprising to me that my daughter would be concerned about one of her classmates or upset that another person's pet had died. I know we would all be devastated if anything happened to our dog.

What was surprising was how deeply this little boy's pet tragedy affected her. You see, she doesn't really get along all that well with this little boy. Usually, her re-telling of her day includes at least one thing that this boy did that annoyed her.

However, when this little boy was feeling awful about his cat dying, my daughter was able to set aside all the ways he annoys her and offer him her compassion.

Compassion is simply recognizing someone else's hurt and doing something about it. We want to raise kids who can recognize when someone else is hurting. We want them to want to do something to help a hurting person.

Our natural inclination is to protect our kids from knowing that bad things happen in the world. When our kids are toddlers or preschoolers, that's not a bad idea. As they get older, though, they need to know that the world isn't always a bright and shiny place. Bad stuff happens -- to us and to others. It's how we deal with that stuff that sets us apart as Christ followers.

When hard stuff happens to the people around us, we want to recognize it and treat those people with compassion. We want our kids to know how to offer words of encouragement and how to judge those moments when its better to just be silent and offer a shoulder to cry on.

Everyone needs a friend in times of crisis -- whether that person is our bosom buddy or someone that we might not normally like. Compassion sometimes means setting aside our personal feelings about someone to offer them what they need in the midst of their crisis.

Teach your kids to recognize the hurting people in their lives and help them take steps to offer compassion.

• Help your child look at the entire situation. Sometimes people lash out at others when they are hurting. When that happens to your child, talk with them about why the other person may have acted the way they did. Help your child look past her own feelings to understand the feelings of the other person.
• Brainstorm ways to help. Your child can make a difference by showing compassion to others. Help your child decide on a way to help their hurting friend. It can be a simple word of encouragement, a gift or just spending time with the other child.
• Don't hide the tough stuff. If your child catches a glimpse of the news talking about an earthquake or other disaster, don't pretend it's not a big deal. Be honest in answering his questions. Talk about ways we can help those who were affected. We can pray for them, send money or send supplies. Finding a way to help others makes your child a part of the solution and gives them power over a scary situation.

God wants us to show compassion to others. Ephesians 4:32 says "Be kind and compassionate to one another."

Showing compassion to others doesn't take much time or money. It simply takes paying attention to the people around us.

The New Kid

My oldest daughter's grade is the smallest in the school. There are only three classes for her grade when the other grades in the school have four or five classes. Most of these fifth-graders have been together since kindergarten.

The other day she came home telling me about this new girl who played soccer with her at recess. I asked "What's her name?" "Does she play soccer on a team?" The answer to both questions was that my daughter didn't know.

Being the new kid stinks. Walking into the beginning of a new school year not knowing anyone is intimidating and lonely. Being the only new kid on the soccer team or in the acting class makes something a child loves, an activity to dread.

As school starts back up for most of us, helping our kids be aware of the new children in their midst and encouraging them to show some compassion and offer friendship can go a long way toward easing the transition for the new kids in their midst.

Most of the time the kids who have been together in a class or on a team don't even think about how tough it must be to be "the new kid." The established kids aren't intentionally mean. They're just oblivious.

As this school year gets under way, help open your kids' eyes to the new kids in their midst and encourage them to offer friendship and include those kids in their activities. Inviting a child to join them in a game or activity doesn't cost your child anything, but it may mean everything to the other child.

• If your child talks about a new child at school or from a sport or activity, gently encourage them to get to know the other child. Ask them if they are including that child in their activity.
• Help your child to walk a mile in the other child's shoes. Ask your child how she would feel if she were the new kid. Help her brainstorm ways that she can make the other child feel welcome.
• Remind your child that God accepts each of us, flaws and all. He loves us and includes us in His kingdom, despite our flaws. He wants us to show the same compassion to others. In John 13:34, Jesus says, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

Getting our kids to step outside their comfort zone to reach out to another child teaches our children compassion and gives them an opportunity to show God's love to others.

A Dash of Compassion

We went to the school art fair last night. Now, I have to admit, this is not one of my favorite school activities. I'm up at school enough that usually by the time the art fair rolls around, I've seen all the artwork on the wall already. Neither of my girls is in chorus or band yet so we don't have a performance to watch. And last night we needed to rush from the art fair to soccer practice.

But last night was different. My youngest came home from school yesterday, raving about these owls her class had made in art class. She was excited about her own owl, but she was most excited about another little boy in her class and the owl he had made. She was telling me how he had done an "awesome" job and she couldn't wait to show it to me.

To be honest, I was kind of half-listening as I cooked dinner, but then she said something that made me look up and pay attention. She told me the little boy who had made the awesome owl had disabilities and someone else was making fun of his owl. She said, "I told the teacher, and he got in big trouble."

Now, I don't want to raise tattle-tales, but in that moment I was so proud of my daughter. In weeks past, she has come home and complained a bit about the extra attention this little boy gets and how he can be a disruption in class. However, when another child was going out of their way to belittle this little boy, my youngest stood up and said "That's wrong."

Last night, she was as proud of this little boy's owl as she was of her own. She recognized that creating that owl was a bigger challenge for him than it was for anyone else in her class. His owl wasn't the best one hanging on the wall. As a matter of fact, it wasn't cut out that well and the painting wasn't precise, but my daughter recognized that for this little boy, it was a big accomplishment. She was excited for him and had become his champion.

This is not my child who is known for her compassion. She's usually more than willing to look out for herself. She's just as likely to push you out of her way as she is to stop and lend you a hand. We've been working hard to get her to look outside herself and think of others first. Last night, we discovered that all of that work is making a difference.

Teaching compassion isn't easy. It seems that some kids are built with an innate sense of compassion while others have to be taught the quality over and over. Humans are born selfish. It's our nature to look out for our own interests, but God calls on us to have compassion for others and put them first. Philippians 1:3-4 says "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."

When we teach our children to put others before themselves, we teach them to become more like Christ. And we teach them to be champions for others who may not be able to stand up for themselves.

• Encourage your kids to walk a mile in someone else's shoes. When you see your child do something selfish, take a minute to talk with your child about how they would feel if someone had done that to them. Remind them of Matthew 7:12, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."
• Illustrate walking in someone else's shoes for your child. Give them a pair of your shoes, then have them walk around the house or take them outside and have them try to run. They will most likely stumble and trip. Talk about how hard it is to walk in shoes that don't fit you. Remind them that they need to withhold judgment on another's behavior because we have no idea what types of challenges they may be facing or how we would react if we were in the same situation.
• When something another child is doing bothers your child, help your child to see the reasons another child may do those things. Understanding someone's motivations or the obstacles they face may go a long way toward allowing your child to see past her own frustrations to offer some compassion to the other child.

Teaching compassion to our children is an ongoing job. It's not a lesson their selfish nature will allow them to learn in one sitting. Keep encouraging your child to put others' interests before their own and to understand others' circumstances and some night they will surprise you with their excitement for the accomplishments of others. Maybe you'll get to join in the excitement about someone else's beautiful owl, too.

How do you teach your child about compassion? Leave a comment or join us on Facebook or Twitter to join the conversation.

Fostering Understanding

Today, I'm going to talk about a concept that has become something of a dirty word in our society -- tolerance. So many times a disagreement will degenerate into someone calling someone else intolerant, simply because they don't agree on an issue. Many times, people will call Christ-followers intolerant because we believe that Jesus is the only way to a relationship with God.

Jesus, himself, said "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me" (John 14:6). However, Jesus was also the picture of understanding. He hung out with the poor, the tax collectors and the sick. These were people who were normally shunned in His society. No one could accuse Him of being intolerant.

We want to foster the qualities of compassion and understanding in our children. We want them to exhibit those qualities just like Jesus did. Yesterday, we talked about how to support your kids when they make choices that are outside the accepted norm among their peers. Today, let's discuss the importance of teaching our kids to accept others who may not fit the stereotypical mold and even to live at peace with those that they may not necessarily get along with all the time.

My oldest daughter has a child in her class that the other kids have decided to pick on. My oldest has an inborn sense of compassion that makes her go out of her way to help others to start with, but the plight of this little boy really bothers her. We've talked about it over and over again throughout the year. She's decided the best thing she can do is to simply continue to treat this little boy just like she would any other child in her class. Several times she's found herself in the position of standing up for this child to the others. That's the way we want our kids to act when faced with a situation where a child is different.

Creating compassion and understanding for others is a process that can only be fostered at home. What your kids see at home is how they will act when they are away from you. Even with children that they tend to butt heads with, we want our kids to act with compassion and understanding. Romans 12:18 says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Compassion and understanding go a long way toward helping your kids to live at peace with everyone.

To help foster compassion and understanding, try some of these ideas:

• Remind your kids that God loves everyone, including those children who are different or who rub them the wrong way.
• Add the kids with whom your children are having trouble to your family prayer list. Nothing takes away animosity like praying for someone. It's hard to hang onto anger or frustration when you're praying for someone.
• Encourage your children to be champions of the "weak." Point out times when Jesus championed someone who was disliked or considered weak in His society. Celebrate the times when your kids stand up for others in the face of ridicule or peer pressure. Create a Champion award that you give to your child when they show compassion and understanding to someone else.
• Point out to your children some famous people that were different as children. Albert Einstein had trouble learning to read. His teachers thought He was stupid.  He went on to become probably the most famous scientist. Talk about what the world would have been like if everyone had given up on Einstein.
• Model compassion and understanding for your kids. Look for ways that you can stand up for others in your own life. When your kids see you doing it, it will become easier for them to do it as well.

Offering compassion and understanding to others doesn't mean that you always have to agree with them. Jesus didn't always agree with what the people He helped were doing, but He loved them anyway. We can show compassion and understanding to others without offering approval to everything they do. The goal is to love like Jesus loved, so that others can see Jesus in us.