Untangling the Rat's Nest

My youngest daughter has curly hair. Now, I have stick straight hair so it has taken me most of her eight years of life to figure out what to do with her hair. We've finally reached a point where most days her hair looks pretty decent.


Yesterday morning, though, we ran into a snag, actually, it was more of a rat's nest. It took me a good 20 minutes to work the snarls out of the thick hair at the back of her neck. It was a test of my patience and the thickness of her scalp. Needless to say, the end result was a frustrated mom and a sobbing child.


That rat's nest in my daughter's hair shouldn't have degenerated into the sobfest it became. After nearly three weeks of Christmas break, my patience was wearing thin. My youngest daughter has struggled with maintaining a respectful attitude over the entire break. The rat's nest in her hair was the breaking point for both of us. She ended up in her room for 10 minutes while I took a little mommy break.


Neither of us reacted in the way we should have. I absolutely should not have yelled at her for fussing when I pulled her hair, but she definitely over-reacted to the hair pulling. Not my finest moment in motherhood, but not my daughter's finest moment either.


Our morning turned out to be something like that rat's nest in her hair -- a big mess. Frayed tempers and frustrated tears weren't solving the problem either. We needed an attitude change for both of us.


So we sat in our recliner, wiped the tears away and took a new approach. Instead of talking about changing our words or changing our attitude, we talked about what it takes to be a good leader. We talked about the natural leadership qualities that my daughter has. We talked about how a good leader needs to be an encourager, with words and actions. We also talked about how good leaders lead by example.


The tears dried up and we had a good conversation about how God wants us to be leaders for Him. We want our actions to reflect His priorities, and one of God's priorities is for us to treat others with respect. 1 Peter 2:17 says "Show proper respect to everyone." Words and actions are all about respect. When we choose to treat others with respect, we are following God's priorities.


It's too soon to tell if our little chat yesterday morning will have a direct effect on my daughter's actions and words, but when our mommy tempers fray and our children's frustration reaches a tipping point, it can never hurt try something different.

Memory Monday: Don't Judge (Romans 14:13)

My kids are out of school today, so I'm taking the day off from blogging. I'm re-running my Halloween post from last year because I think at this time of the year, it's important to keep our hearts from judging others.

There's some strange-looking kids in the Fairchild house today. My youngest has been transformed into Alex Ovechkin (the hockey player) and my oldest is looking a bit like a Harry Potter character. Halloween is today, and we'll be heading out to trick-or-treat.

It always seems when we hit this time of the year that divisions appear in the ranks of Christ followers. Some see nothing wrong with letting their kids trick or treat on Halloween while others want nothing to do with the holiday. Each side has good reasons for their decisions and can use scripture to back up those decisions.

The debate generally continues straight through Christmas with the discussions about whether including Santa Claus in your Christmas celebrations detracts from Jesus. Many times these divisions within the ranks of Christian parents can cause hurt feelings.

In our house, we trick or treat on Halloween, and Santa makes a visit to our home on Christmas Eve. But I have friends who do neither, and some who don't trick or treat but think Santa is OK. So, who's right and who's wrong? In my opinion, no one.

The Bible is really clear about some things -- murder is wrong, Christ is the only way to God, and Jesus died for our sins. However, it gives no clear direction on other things, like Santa and Halloween. In my opinion, you should do whatever you feel is best for your family, making sure you base your decisions on time spent in prayer and God's word.
What we should not do, though, is judge others who may think differently. When Christ followers start judging each other on things on which there is no clear-cut answer, we break up the unity of the body of Christ.

Today's verse speaks directly to that issue. "Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way" (Romans 14:13). Our understanding of what causes a stumbling block to another person may differ, but if each of us is, to the best of our ability, trying to follow what God is telling us, then we have no right to judge one another.

This passage of scripture was addressing a difference of opinion over what foods to eat. Some people believed that Christians should only eat "clean" foods listed in the Law, while others believed that all food was permissible. The controversy was causing great division in the church. The problem was not the food, but the judgmental nature of the Christ-followers on each side of the issue.

While the points of division have changed, the problem remains among Christ-followers today. As we head toward the holiday season, starting with Halloween, keep this verse in your heart. Remember that while you may differ with another Christ-follower in how you approach the holidays, you are not to judge them. Instead, we are called to love each other.

Healthy debate of the issue is great and thought-provoking for all parties. Judgmental condemnation over an issue like this is hurtful and divisive. If you agree on the important stuff -- Christ died to bridge the gap between our sinful selves and God, and He is the only way to God -- then judging someone else on the small stuff serves no purpose.

So, whether you will have hockey players and literary characters wandering your home or you will be ignoring the day altogether, be loving and respectful of those Christ-followers who make a different choice than you.

Teach Respect

When my youngest was about 4, we started realizing we were going to have to pick our battles with her carefully. Strong-willed doesn't begin to start to describe her. We quickly realized we would be fighting with her over everything if we didn't decide what was important and what we were willing to let go.

When we sat down and looked at the things that were important, we boiled it down to two things: safety and respect. We decided the battles worth fighting with her were only worth it if they involved her or someone else's safety or if they involved respect, for herself or others.

Respect covers a lot of ground. It's not just about saying "please" and "thank you" or calling an adult "Mr." or "Mrs." Respect means putting others first and treating them like they are important. It takes into account someone else's feelings. It covers friends, family, people you don't like and yourself.

The Bible puts it this way: "Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor" (1 Peter 2:17). God doesn't tell us to respect the people we like or the people who have earned it. He says we should respect everyone, even those we don't like. When this verse was written, the emperor was persecuting the Christians, yet Peter tells those same Christians they must show respect to the emperor.

Respect is important because it shows others that we care about them. When we take into account someone else's feelings -- even when we don't particularly care for their point of view -- we acknowledge that they are due respect simply because they, too, were made by God.

So, how do we teach our children to respect others? It's such a vague concept. How do we break that down into a concrete form for our kids?

• Eliminate name-calling. When we call someone else a name or identify them as "stupid" or "dumb," we devalue the other person. Make a no name-calling rule in your home, and enforce it. Eliminate words like "stupid" and "dumb" from your household vocabulary.
• Teach your kids to think about how they would like to be treated, then encourage them to treat others that way. Jesus said "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets" (Matthew 7:12). When your kids treat their siblings or a friend in a disrespectful manner, discuss what happened with them and help them brainstorm better ways to treat their friends or siblings next time.
• Make respect a big deal. Create a contest where you reward your kids for respectful behavior. Make it fun and silly. For example, if you catch a child being respectful, crown them king or queen of dinner. Let them wear a goofy crown, get served first and be able to pick dessert.
• Don't hesitate to correct your kids, even if you're out in public. Disrespectful behavior is just like any other behavior. It becomes a habit if allowed to take root. Don't embarrass your children, but make sure they know that being in public doesn't shield them from the consequences of being disrespectful. My favorite correction for disrespect is to make my kids apologize, then start over with a new request or comment.
• Watch the tone. Kids can be disrespectful without saying anything wrong. Their tone of voice can convey disrespect. Call them on it when their tone gets out of hand. Make them ask for what they want in a tone that conveys respect. A good way to help your kids understand this is to tape record them and play it back. Ask them if they think their tone of voice is respectful. Practice modulating the tone with them.

Respecting others is simply putting the other person first and treating them like the beautiful creation of God that they are. If we keep that image foremost in our minds, respecting others will come easier.

Memory Monday: Achievement vs. Character (1 Samuel 16:7)

God looks at our hearts, not our achievements, so this week, Everyday Truth will look at building our kids' character. Today is an overview of character. Tuesday, we'll look at teaching our kids to respect others. Wednesday, we'll talk about compassion, and Thursday, we'll look at kindness. On Friday, I'll have some resources that will help you teach your kids character.

We had parent-teacher conferences this past week. My girls' conferences are typically pretty boring with no big issues to discuss. We have one kid who's struggling a bit with the change in math curriculum but overall, we got positive reports.

The best part of the parent-teacher conferences, though, was a simple comment made by both girls' teachers. Both teachers told us our girls were extremely respectful, both of the teachers and of their peers.

You see, there's really not much I can do about my kids' ability to do well in school. I can help them study. I can make sure they have all the tools they need to succeed, but I can't make my kids any smarter than they are. I can't make them better spellers or give them a better math sense.

What I can do is teach my kids to have character. I can teach them to be respectful of others. I can teach them to be kind. I can teach them to be compassionate.

These are the things that matter in the long run. We told our girls we were happy that their grades were good, but we were much more excited about the fact that both their teachers were impressed enough with their respectfulness that they mentioned it during their conferences.

We told our girls that while we're proud of their grades, those grades are just a reflection of how well they've memorized or understood something. When a teacher comments on how you act toward others, it's a reflection of who you are inside. And that's way more important than how you scored on a test.

Society puts a huge emphasis on achievement, and there's nothing wrong with aiming for high achievement, but a grade on a report card says nothing about your character. You can be a horrible person and still get an "A" in math.

God gives us gifts and abilities, and He wants us to use them, but He's most concerned with the attitude of our heart. Achievement isn't a bad thing; it's just not the most important thing.

1 Samuel 16:7 says "But the LORD said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.'"

God chose David to be king, despite the fact that he was a lowly shepherd and the youngest son. These were not outward trappings of achievement. Yet God saw something in David's heart that made Him choose David. It was David's character, not his achievement that made God able to use Him.

We want our kids to have character that shines. That starts at home. We can teach respect, kindness and compassion to our kids from the time they are little. It's those qualities that will make them open to being used by God.

Summer Fun: The 39 Clues to You

Today is the first day of our summer vacation. It means a new schedule and a lot more time with my kids. It also means it's time to begin our summer "camp."

Many of you know that every summer, my girls and four of their friends gather in my kitchen to spend time having fun and learning about God. This summer, our little group is going to embark on the "39 Clues to You" adventure. Despite a doctor's visit for a severe ear infection in my youngest, which has caused us to rearrange the schedule a bit, we are going to get our adventure under way today.

Each week, I'll be sharing with you what we've done. And the great news is that this year, I'm writing up the curriculum as I go and hope to have it available to you in the fall, so you can use it with your own kids next summer.

I'm almost as excited as the girls. This summer's adventure focuses on the idea that God made every person unique so they can fill a spot in His plan. Every one of us is God's masterpiece -- the very best thing that He can make. Because of that, I want the girls to know that not only did God make them unique and special, but He made others to be unique and special, too. That means that we need to place value on others and treat them with the same care and respect that we would use with a Renoir painting.

Each week will focus on a different girl in our group. At the beginning of the day, the girls will receive six clues and they'll have to figure out which girl we are going to focus on that day. We'll learn to do something that she excels at. Eat some food that she enjoys. Read part of a book that she really likes and find out some of the things that she is passionate about.

At the end of the summer, we're going to have a challenge that will force all the girls to work together and use their specific talents to complete the challenge.

Today is our kick-off day. The girls will get three clues that focus on how each person is loved by and special to God. The answer to the clues is "You." After that, they will receive their T-shirts and their totes. While they decorate their totes, we'll talk about the plan for the summer.

After they decorate their totes, they will each have to choose from an assortment of snacks. Each girl will have to explain why she chooses the snack she does. We'll talk about how each person has different likes and dislikes and how that's important because it keeps us from all being the same. If we all only ate tomatoes, then it would be hard to feed all of us.

Our big project for the day will focus on Ephesians 2:10, which says "For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." We will look at pictures of art and architectural masterpieces and talk about how a masterpiece is the best that we can achieve.

We'll discuss how God says that we are His masterpiece, so we are the best thing that He can create. We'll also talk about how art masterpieces are treated -- with care and respect. We'll learn that God wants us to treat other people as if they are masterpieces -- with care and respect.

Each girl will get an artist's canvas, so she can create her own masterpiece with paint. We'll write Ephesians 2:10 on them. They will get to take them home and hang them in a place where they will remember that they are God's masterpiece.

As they leave, they will receive a challenge for the week that encourages them to treat their siblings as if their siblings are a masterpiece. When they come back next week, they'll need to know their memory verse and have written down one way that they treated their siblings like masterpieces to receive their prize.

I can't wait to see how God works in the hearts of these girls this summer. I just know that we're going to face August with a new respect for how God has created other people. And my prayer is that we'll have changed hearts in the way that we deal with others.

Summer: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

It's inevitable. No matter how polite and respectful you teach your kids to be, they are going to encounter other children being disrespectful -- whether on TV, at school or even at the movie theaters. And they're going to wonder why other kids can talk that way to their parents, their siblings or their friends and they can't. So they will probably try it out on you.

I tend to find that the longer the school year goes on, the more my kids like to try out being disrespectful. They are around kids all day long that provoke the teacher or talk disrespectfully to other children, and that behavior inevitably rubs off on my kids.

Teaching our kids to respect others, especially those in authority is important. If our kids can't respect us or their teachers, then they won't find any reason to respect God's authority. God wants us to teach our children respect because it matters in their relationship with Him.

I love summer because it gives me an opportunity to remind my children that respect is important. My kids are home with me everyday in the summer, and I can teach and remind my kids that respect matters. It shows love for others, and it creates better relationships.

1 Peter 2:17 shows us that God thinks respect is important. It says: "Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor." We want our kids to show proper respect to everyone -- their parents, their peers, their teachers and anyone else they come across. Spend your summer reminding your kids why respect is important.

• Determine what areas of respect your kids are struggling with most. It may be they struggle to respect those in authority or they may have trouble respecting their friends or siblings. Put your focus on the thing they struggle with most.
• Explain to your kids that God wants us to be respectful of others. God created every person that we encounter, and He loves them. That makes them worthy of basic respect. Talk about how having respect for others means that we don't talk mean to each other or take things without asking.
• Have a "respect race" over the summer. On a piece of posterboard, draw a race track or a graph. Put each child's name on a bar of the graph or a piece for the race track. Every time you catch them being respectful, color in part of the graph or move their piece on the race track. The first person to the finish line or to fill in their bar on the graph gets a reward like choosing a family activity or an extra helping of dessert. Have a larger reward for the end of the summer if every child makes it around the track so many times or fills their bar on the graph a certain number of times.
• Set the rules for respect in your home and post them somewhere. Let your kids help set the rules. Talk about the actions that show respect. Make sure they cover things like speech, actions toward others and how to treat others' things. Hold every child that comes into your home to these same rules. Make sure that you are abiding by the rules as well.
• Institute a fine of some sort for disrespectful speech. Controlling the tongue is one of the hardest things for anyone to learn. Most adults still struggle with this. Put a jar out on the counter. Every time anyone in your family gets caught using disrespectful speech (and this includes tone of voice), charge them a set fine. At the end of the summer, decide as a family where you want to donate the money that has accumulated in the respect jar.

Spending your summer focused on fostering an environment of respect will help remind your kids of the need to be respectful when they leave your house, too. While you'll need to reinforce these lessons throughout the school year, setting a firm foundation over the summer makes those school-year lessons easier to handle.

The Respect Pyramid

We live in a world that has lost its understanding of the word respect. Respect used to be a shared value in our communities. Kids understood that parents and teachers were worthy of respect. Parents and teachers understood that they needed to be worthy of that respect. But it seems that in this day and age, respect has become an old-fashioned idea and for kids it has become something of a nebulous concept.

Most of us know respect when we see it, and we know disrespect when we see it, but explaining it in concrete terms to our kids is much more difficult. Much to the mortification of my fourth-grader, I helped out in her class at church on Sunday where we studied respect. The kids have been studying respect all month. Their definition for respect is a great one: Showing others they are important by what you say and do.

The great thing about this week's lesson was how the lesson made a very abstract concept into a concrete one for the kids. It was such a good illustration that I want to share it with you. All month the kids have been learning 1 Peter 2:17, "Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king." They have been talking about showing respect to parents, friends and authority figures. This week they learned that showing respect to others shows respect to God.

To illustrate this, we took small Dixie cups and let the kids write the names or titles of people to whom they should show respect. We took the cups and made a pyramid with them. At the top of the pyramid, I placed my cup, which had the word God written on it. The girls then took turns knocking a cup out of the bottom of the pyramid to show how it affected the cup with God written on it. Every time one of the bottom cups was knocked out, the God cup fell down. The girls really understood how showing respect to their parents or their teachers showed respect to God and how disrespecting their teachers or parents showed disrespect to God.

I thought this was a fantastic illustration to show kids that what they do reflects back on God. It gave them a visual picture that they can think about whenever they are tempted to show disrespect to someone. It make 1 Peter 2:17 a reality instead of just an abstract concept. Try it with your kids and watch understanding dawn on them, too.

Memory Monday: 1 Peter 3:15-16

I don't have any boys, but I've always loved the Boy Scout motto, "Be prepared." That motto reminds me of my favorite TV show of the late '80s and early '90s -- "MacGyver." There's a guy who was always prepared. If he had a Swiss Army knife, a wad of bubble gum and some duct tape, he could build a tank. God actually calls us to be the MacGyvers or the Boy Scouts of Christianity.

1 Peter 3:15-16 says, "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander." God calls us to be prepared to always stand up for Him and to share the good news of Jesus with others.

Not only are we to share our faith with others, but we are to do so in a manner that attracts rather than repels. Too many so-called Christians have missed the second half of this set of verses where it talks about sharing our faith with gentleness and respect. It's not our job to force people to accept Christ. It is our job to be prepared to share the reason for our hope whenever and where ever the topic arises. The most effective way to share your faith, though, is not in a Bible-beating manner but as a genuine expression of love for Christ.

It's not our job to condemn anyone. It's simply our job to be part of the dialogue. God is responsible for changing hearts. We are just to be open to being the tools that he uses to bring the good news of Christ. When we try to make ourselves responsible for the decisions and choices of others, we run the danger of sharing Christ in a manner that isn't coated in "gentleness and respect." Jesus didn't go around forcing people to follow Him, and that's not the attitude that we should take either.

As adults, it's often hard for us to share the gospel. We fear being rejected. We're afraid we'll say the wrong thing. We wonder what others will think of us. The same fears are true for your kids. I believe that the best way for your kids' friends to meet Jesus is through your example and through your child's example. Preparing our kids to enter into honest, respectful dialogue with their peers about what they believe, is preparing them for a world that would love to trounce on their belief.

The best way I know of to prepare our kids for that kind of dialogue is to engage in it at home. Ask your kids questions like:

• What would you say if someone asked you to tell them about Jesus?
• What answer would you give if someone told you the Bible was just a bunch of stories?
• What would you say if someone asked you what you believe?
• How should you answer if someone from a different faith asked you how the faiths are different?

Walk through these scenarios with your child. As they get older, the answers will grow. Emphasize that even though we disagree with what other religions teach, we are called to treat other with respect and gentleness. We can disagree with someone and still like them and be respectful of them.

Begin having these conversations with your kids, so that when they are asked to give a reason for their hope, they will be prepared.