Memory Monday: A Lesson in Integrity (Proverbs 22:1)

My youngest daughter learned a lot this weekend. No, we didn't make her spend the holiday weekend studying history, English and geography. We let her play hockey, hockey and more hockey.

She played in her first ever hockey tournament on Friday and Saturday. Her team finished in sixth place out of seven teams with a 2-2 record. She had a hat trick and a couple of other goals. And she learned some important life lessons about fairness, losing and leadership.

The most important thing she learned this weekend, though, was that how you play the game matters more than the points on the scoreboard. She learned that when you walk off the ice, putting a W in the win column is nice, but being able to hold your head up and know that you played with integrity is even more important.

After a great game on Friday night where her team played well and won, they had to play a really tough team Saturday morning. While my daughter was playing with her regular house league team, the other team had been put together specifically for the tournament, with the goal of winning it. About midway through the first period, the other team started sending their best player out for double shifts. Neither of those things broke any rules, but double shifting in a house league tournament goes against the spirit of house league hockey, where it's all about letting the kids have an equal chance to play.

Our coaches had a choice: they could continue to play our kids evenly or they could put our best players on the ice more often. Our coaches switched up which kids played together, but they kept the playing time equal for all of our kids. We lost -- by a lot. The kids were disappointed, but it was a great opportunity for my youngest to learn that while others don't always play "fair," sticking with the high road is always better in the end.

Losing that game cost my daughter's team any chance for a place in the championship game. Yet every child on her team got to play. They played hard and they left their best effort on the ice -- and they did it within the spirit of the rules of the game.

Proverbs 22:1 tells us "A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold." A tournament championship would have been nice, but it would have come at the cost of a "good name." My daughter's coaches provided a perfect example of playing with integrity for my daughter. While she was less than happy with the score of the game, she learned a lesson much more valuable than any trophy she can set on a shelf.

We need to make sure we're surrounding our kids with adults who show integrity. We can't expect them to learn to make the right choices if all the adults in their lives are cutting corners and looking out only for themselves.

It's important for our kids to see adults making choices that show integrity. And it's equally important that we talk about those moments with our kids. They can happen in the grocery store, in the car or even at the ice rink. As parents, we need to take notice of those moments and use them to teach our children that the right choices are always right, even when the immediate result isn't what we want.

And, remember, all the teaching in the world does nothing if we aren't living up to those standards ourselves. Our kids need to see us making the right choice even when it's hard. It's the only way they can learn what integrity means.

Friday Introductions: Sticky Situations

We spend a lot of time in this house practicing things. We go to soccer practice twice a week and hockey practice twice a week. My girls spend 15 minutes a day practicing their instruments.

We spend all that time practicing so the girls can be good at the things they have chosen to pursue. Without practice, they wouldn't know where to be and what to do during their games. They wouldn't sound very good at their concerts. Practice is vitally important to their success at these endeavors.

So, it makes sense that our kids might need some practice at making good decisions as they pursue a life of following Jesus. They need to practice what they will do in certain situations to make sure they understand what it means to be respectful, compassionate and kind.

When we give our kids the opportunity to think about a situation before they actually have to deal with that situation, we give them the time to think through their response. The whole point of practice is to train yourself to do the right thing before you're in a game situation.

We can offer our kids some practice in showing the character qualities we are trying to teach them. We can role play with them or simply ask them how they would deal with certain situations.

One great resource for doing that is the book Sticky Situations: 365 Devotions for Kids and Families. This daily devotional offers up everyday situations kids might face and lets them decide what they should do. Each day includes a short description of a situation and multiple choice answers. It also includes Bible verses for your kids to read to help them decide what the right answer is.

This devotional and it's companion book, Sticky Situations 2: 365 Devotions for Elementary Kids, are wonderful options for any parent looking to give their kids some practice in making decisions based on God's Word.

Every choice our kids make in a "sticky situation" is a choice between following God and following the ways of the world. In Joshua 24:15, Joshua told the Israelites to make a choice about whom they would follow: "But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."

When we give our kids practice at choosing to follow God, we make it easier for them to choose to follow Him when it counts. Add some practice time to your lives today.

Stepping Back

My youngest daughter got checked in hockey practice the other night. For those of you who are not hockey fans, a check is when one person uses their body to smash the other person into the boards. The kid was about 6 inches taller than her and outweighed her by at least 20 pounds. And there's no checking at her age level.

My daughter never cries at hockey. She's one of two girls this year out of 50 kids. She knows that crying won't help her case in being accepted. But she cried that night. She even asked to be taken off the ice to sit on the bench for a while.

When she skated over to the bench and asked to come off, it was all I could do to sit on my hands and let the coach deal with it. I wanted to run over to the bench and check her out myself. And as my momma bear claws came out, I also wanted to have a conversation with the kid who hit her.

My daughter never asks to come off the ice. Her coach sat her down, took a look at what hurt, gave her some time to get herself together and put her back on the ice. My daughter and her coach handled the situation and really didn't need my help. I checked her out when we got home and she was fine. I was glad I had sat on my hands. My going over to the bench would have done nothing to help the situation.

I read an article the other day that talked about how we're becoming a nation of hovering parents. The article pointed out that kids who go to the playground with their parents get less physical activity because their parents are so worried about them getting hurt. By the time these kids get to college, they have never made decisions for themselves or suffered the consequences of a poor decision. They fail at college because they don't know how to manage life on their own.

Our job as parents is not to protect our kids from every imaginable hurt or consequence. Our job is to get our kids ready to live life on their own -- a life that lets God's light shine through. I'm not saying let your kids run out in the street and get hit by a car, but it's OK to let them fall down and skin their knee.

Proverbs 22:6 says "Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." This means if we are constantly rescuing our children or stepping in and dealing with difficult situations for them, they will never learn to deal with those situations themselves. On the flip side, it also means if we teach them to make decisions and reap the consequences of those decisions on their own, they'll be prepared when they leave home.

As our kids grow, we need to let loose of the reins and allow them to start dealing with things on their own. We need to be there for support and advice, and there are times when a situation gets so out of control that we need to step in. But we should let our kids have the first crack at solving their problems.

My oldest heads off to middle school next year. I have stopped being responsible for her getting her homework done. She knows what our schedule looks like for the week, so she is responsible for mapping out her time and getting it done. I'll help if she has a problem and check it if she asks me to, but I don't set her homework schedule anymore.

As your kids get older start turning over decisions and responsibilities to them:

• Let your kids deal with their teachers. If your child is having trouble with another child bothering them or the teacher marked something wrong on their paper that was right, let your child have first dibs on talking with the teacher. Talk with your child at home about a respectful way to approach the situation, then let your child have the conversation with his teacher.
• Start young. If there are decisions your child can make or responsibilities around the house they can do, put them in charge. My kids have been in charge of clearing their place at the table since they could walk and carry a plate. Now, they have chores they are expected to do. I don't nag, but if I have to do their chores, I leave them a bill.
• Teach your kids to work out their disagreements. Don't immediately step in when your kids are arguing with a sibling or friend. Give them a chance to work it out. Sure, things may get said that could hurt another's feelings, but it teaches them about the importance of considering each other's feelings and point of view. If they have to apologize for their speech, they'll think twice about saying those things the next time.
• Teach them to pray first. When your kids are stuck in a tough spot, and they don't know how to deal with a situation, encourage them to seek out the Source of wisdom. Show them how to ask God for help in dealing with the situation.

It's hard to watch our kids get hurt and make mistakes, but it's much easier for our kids to learn these lessons now than it is for them to learn them as adults. Start giving your kids the tools to handle their own problems and conflicts, so they get plenty of practice while you're still around to back them up. They will thank you for it when they are older.

Meet the Instrument

I took my fifth-grade daughter to try-the-instrument night at the high school last night. We're in the throes of the big decision of deciding what instrument she wants to play in band this year.

She thought she wanted to play the tuba, but when we tried it last night, she realized just how big the tuba really is. It was awkward and difficult to hold. She decided that while it looked cool, it wasn't the right instrument for her.

So, now we're down to the trumpet or the clarinet. I'm thrilled because we have one of each of those in our basement. I played the clarinet growing up, and my husband played the trumpet. I think the trumpet is probably a better fit for her abilities and personality, but we're going to let her choose.

Until I took her up to the high school last night, I didn't realize what a big decision this is for the fifth-graders. It's really the first school-related decision that they get to make on their own. We're offering input, but the final decision is up to her.

Many of the decisions we make in life are a lot like this decision about playing a musical instrument. They are loaded with gray areas, not necessarily wrong, just not the best fit for us.

Helping your child navigate the waters of making choices, of finding the best choice when there isn't necessarily a right one, is tough. Figuring out the best path to take when both choices have benefits and drawbacks requires wisdom and good judgment. Sometimes it takes trial and error. Making a poor choice in one area and dealing with the consequences may keep your child from making the same mistake with bigger stakes when they are older.

Equip your kids with tools to make good decisions.

• Encourage your kids to seek wisdom. James 1:5 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." God is the source of wisdom. Any decision made without His input is a decision made without the right framework.
• Illustrate the importance of asking God for wisdom when making a decision. Find an instruction book for your child's favorite toy or video game system. Ask them what they would do if they had a problem with that toy. They would probably ask a parent for help, consult the instructions, then talk with the customer help line if they couldn't solve the problem. Explain that when we make decisions, it's just like asking for help with a toy. We need to go to the source by consulting God. We can pray, look for the answers in the Bible and ask a trusted adult for advice.
• Explain that God wants us to bring all of our decisions to Him. He wants to help us make the best choices. He tells us in Matthew 6:33 to "Seek first his kingdom and righteousness." When we do that, we can make the best decisions.
• Avoid the temptation to make all the decisions for your kids. As our kids get older we need to allow them the freedom to make their own choices. If we shelter them from ever making a poor decision, we don't allow them to learn that our choices matter. Generally, the stakes are small in the choices that younger kids are making. It's better to learn that it's important to make wise decisions when the consequence is small than to have to learn that lesson when the consequence can ruin the rest of their lives.

Teaching our kids to make wise choices is a process. They are going to fail some of the time. But each time they make a choice that doesn't fit -- like the tuba that didn't fit my daughter -- they learn something about how to make a better choice next time.

Giving our kids the tools to tap into the source of wisdom is the best thing we can do to help them make the best decision in any situation.

Making Choices

I took my oldest daughter shopping for shoes about a month ago. Apparently the big thing in shoes for kids her age are DC skate shoes. I had never heard of these shoes before, so I went online to see what they looked like -- and almost choked on the price. I also didn't much care for several of the styles that looked like they had graffiti sprayed all over the heel of the shoe.

We talked about it, and I told her she could have the shoes if she was willing to pay the difference between what I thought was a reasonable amount of money to pay for shoes and what the shoes actually cost. I also had to approve the style. We spent several hours hunting for these shoes. When we finally found a store with a decent selection, it took us another 45 minutes to agree on a price and a style. Finally, we left the store with a pair of shoes with which everyone was happy. My oldest only had to pay $10, and I thought the shoes were acceptable for school and other activities.

Two years ago if my daughter had wanted those shoes, I would have looked at her and said "No," and we would have gone on our merry way to Target to buy sneakers. But, as she gets older, I have to let go of some of the decisions and begin to let her make them. As far as the shoes went, everyone ended up happy with the decision. She loves her shoes and hasn't had any second thoughts about her purchase.

But not every decision that we allow her to make ends up so happily. Sometimes she regrets a purchase. Sometimes she has to deal with the consequences of choosing poorly -- whether she's tired because she chose to go to a sleepover on a busy weekend or she fails a test because she chose not to study.

As my daughter much too quickly approaches the teen years, it's tempting to hang onto the decision-making responsibilities. I still get the final say on most things at this point, but if I don't let go of some of those decisions and let her get some practice making decisions, then she won't know how to make wise ones. The temptation is often to save our kids from the natural consequences of their decisions, but when we do that, we rob them of the opportunity to learn to make wise decisions. The consequences for a bad decision are much less at 10, than they are at 23.

You are still available to offer guidance and discuss your child's options with them, but you allow them to fail. Unless the consequences will be disastrous beyond measure (someone gets hurt or property gets damaged), letting them fail teaches your children valuable lessons they can't learn in any other way.

As you loosen the reins on decision-making, keep these things in mind:

• Choose age-appropriate places for your child to make decisions. A 3-year-old can decide which shoes she wants to wear. A 15-year-old can go shopping by herself, knowing the parameters you find acceptable.
• When your child is struggling with a decision, be available to help him see all the options and their logical consequences. When we arm our kids with information, they can make better decisions.
• Always talk about how God feels about the issue. Use scripture to back up the godly option. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells us "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." Scripture is designed to help us make good decisions.
• If your child makes a poor decision, don't offset the consequences. Do sit down with them and discuss what happened and why. Help them decide on what would have been a better option and what the logical outcome of choosing that better option would be.
• Encourage your children to take their decisions to God before they make them. God is the source of ultimate wisdom, and He will never not give us wisdom when we need it. James 1:5 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."
  
  Today, take a look at whether you are giving your child enough decision-making power. Remember to keep the decisions age-appropriate, but give your child the opportunity to make decisions. If we want our kids to make good decisions, we have to let them begin practicing that skill while we are around to be a sounding board and a source of wisdom. If we hold onto the decision-making reins too long, our kids will begin to feel stifled and rebellious. Avoid that by helping them to make good decisions on their own.