Meet the Instrument

I took my fifth-grade daughter to try-the-instrument night at the high school last night. We're in the throes of the big decision of deciding what instrument she wants to play in band this year.

She thought she wanted to play the tuba, but when we tried it last night, she realized just how big the tuba really is. It was awkward and difficult to hold. She decided that while it looked cool, it wasn't the right instrument for her.

So, now we're down to the trumpet or the clarinet. I'm thrilled because we have one of each of those in our basement. I played the clarinet growing up, and my husband played the trumpet. I think the trumpet is probably a better fit for her abilities and personality, but we're going to let her choose.

Until I took her up to the high school last night, I didn't realize what a big decision this is for the fifth-graders. It's really the first school-related decision that they get to make on their own. We're offering input, but the final decision is up to her.

Many of the decisions we make in life are a lot like this decision about playing a musical instrument. They are loaded with gray areas, not necessarily wrong, just not the best fit for us.

Helping your child navigate the waters of making choices, of finding the best choice when there isn't necessarily a right one, is tough. Figuring out the best path to take when both choices have benefits and drawbacks requires wisdom and good judgment. Sometimes it takes trial and error. Making a poor choice in one area and dealing with the consequences may keep your child from making the same mistake with bigger stakes when they are older.

Equip your kids with tools to make good decisions.

• Encourage your kids to seek wisdom. James 1:5 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." God is the source of wisdom. Any decision made without His input is a decision made without the right framework.
• Illustrate the importance of asking God for wisdom when making a decision. Find an instruction book for your child's favorite toy or video game system. Ask them what they would do if they had a problem with that toy. They would probably ask a parent for help, consult the instructions, then talk with the customer help line if they couldn't solve the problem. Explain that when we make decisions, it's just like asking for help with a toy. We need to go to the source by consulting God. We can pray, look for the answers in the Bible and ask a trusted adult for advice.
• Explain that God wants us to bring all of our decisions to Him. He wants to help us make the best choices. He tells us in Matthew 6:33 to "Seek first his kingdom and righteousness." When we do that, we can make the best decisions.
• Avoid the temptation to make all the decisions for your kids. As our kids get older we need to allow them the freedom to make their own choices. If we shelter them from ever making a poor decision, we don't allow them to learn that our choices matter. Generally, the stakes are small in the choices that younger kids are making. It's better to learn that it's important to make wise decisions when the consequence is small than to have to learn that lesson when the consequence can ruin the rest of their lives.

Teaching our kids to make wise choices is a process. They are going to fail some of the time. But each time they make a choice that doesn't fit -- like the tuba that didn't fit my daughter -- they learn something about how to make a better choice next time.

Giving our kids the tools to tap into the source of wisdom is the best thing we can do to help them make the best decision in any situation.

Memory Monday: Passing the Decision-Making Baton

My oldest daughter turned 10 a little more than a week ago. Besides making me feel old, this milestone in her life has come with the realization that she is well on her way to being a young woman and is no longer that little girl I can hold in my lap. Pretty soon, she's going to be as tall or taller than me. She has her own distinct taste in clothing that is different from mine and pretty distinct ideas about how she wants to do things.

We discovered this weekend that with age come tougher decisions. When she was little, it was easy for us to be in control of every aspect of her life. We chose what she ate, what she wore, whom she played with and which adults would have a big influence on her life.

As she has grown, we've had to relinquish some control on many of those decisions. Don't get me wrong. We still exert our influence on a regular basis, but more and more it's in the role of offering advice on making good decisions. We still step in when we need to, but we are beginning to pass the baton of decision-making to her.

This weekend, we were faced with a choice that forced us to step out of our comfort zone and pass the decision-making baton to her -- with our input.

We've always tried to surround our kids with as many Godly adults as we can. If we have the option to have them coached or taught by a Christ-following adult, we've done our best to make that happen. We've made a lot of their sports and school decisions based on who we think the best adult influence will be. I guess we've created something of a cocoon around our kids.

Yesterday morning, the sermon at our church was about being on the offense as a Christ-follower. Our message series is about being called to serve God -- about getting out there and getting in the game for Jesus. One of the points the pastor made was that too often we create these cocoons around our families. We're playing defense trying to protect our kids and families from any worldly influence instead of equipping our families to be light in the world of darkness. It was a message I needed to hear before we headed to my daughter's soccer tryouts.

God didn't tell us to create a protective barrier around our kids until they're 18. He called us and our families to serve Him. Joshua 24:15 says, "But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." Memorize this verse this week and think about ways that you and your family can choose to serve God.

Building a cocoon around our kids isn't a bad thing when they're small, but if we don't start poking some holes in that cocoon and giving them opportunities to be light in a world of darkness as they grow, then when we throw them out into the world as adults, they won't have the ability to make good decisions. Let them practice those decision-making skills while they are still in your home and listening to your advice when the consequences are small, so they don't make huge mistakes when they're older and the consequences are huge. That's what we did this weekend.

You see, last year when our daughter decided to make the switch to club soccer, we researched a bunch of different clubs and carefully chose a club where we knew the coach and we knew the philosophy of the coach fit our lifestyle. Our oldest had a fantastic season being coached by a Godly man who cared about her as both a player and a person. We were looking forward to another year of the same.

But the club shook up my daughter's age group by adding another coach, about whom we know very little. He will be coaching the top team. Watching her at tryouts, my husband and I were hoping we wouldn't have to make a decision about playing her on the top team or leaving her with the coach we love. But after yesterday's tryout, the coaches asked us to consider putting her on the top team.

While proud of her for making the team, we were torn. We loved having her on a team where we knew she would essentially be protected from harm. That second team is a known quantity. Yet, she had worked so hard and the opportunity to play tougher competition really appealed to her. Ultimately, we realized we had to lay the decision in her lap.

So, we presented the pros and cons of each situation to her, and she chose to play on the top team. Despite being sad about not playing for her current coach, she's really excited about the coming season. My husband and I aren't sure how it will all turn out and left to our own devices would probably have chosen to play her on the team that we know.

But we also know that the goal of parenting is to move our kids to a place where they can make their own decisions, relying on God for wisdom. My daughter may find herself faced with some tough situations on this new team in her interactions with a new coach. We don't know if she'll play a lot or little. We don't know this coach's style of coaching. We don't know whether this choice will make her happy or make her miserable.

What we do know is that it's important to begin letting our daughter make decisions and live with the results. No matter the situation in soccer this year, our daughter will have a chance to be a light for God on her team. No matter what the coach is like, she'll get the opportunity to learn that her reactions to him matter to God.

And we'll be right there with her, offering guidance and support. We're not leaving her on her own. We're just letting her take a few steps toward adulthood while she still has us to fall back on. And isn't that what parenting is all about?

Making Choices

I took my oldest daughter shopping for shoes about a month ago. Apparently the big thing in shoes for kids her age are DC skate shoes. I had never heard of these shoes before, so I went online to see what they looked like -- and almost choked on the price. I also didn't much care for several of the styles that looked like they had graffiti sprayed all over the heel of the shoe.

We talked about it, and I told her she could have the shoes if she was willing to pay the difference between what I thought was a reasonable amount of money to pay for shoes and what the shoes actually cost. I also had to approve the style. We spent several hours hunting for these shoes. When we finally found a store with a decent selection, it took us another 45 minutes to agree on a price and a style. Finally, we left the store with a pair of shoes with which everyone was happy. My oldest only had to pay $10, and I thought the shoes were acceptable for school and other activities.

Two years ago if my daughter had wanted those shoes, I would have looked at her and said "No," and we would have gone on our merry way to Target to buy sneakers. But, as she gets older, I have to let go of some of the decisions and begin to let her make them. As far as the shoes went, everyone ended up happy with the decision. She loves her shoes and hasn't had any second thoughts about her purchase.

But not every decision that we allow her to make ends up so happily. Sometimes she regrets a purchase. Sometimes she has to deal with the consequences of choosing poorly -- whether she's tired because she chose to go to a sleepover on a busy weekend or she fails a test because she chose not to study.

As my daughter much too quickly approaches the teen years, it's tempting to hang onto the decision-making responsibilities. I still get the final say on most things at this point, but if I don't let go of some of those decisions and let her get some practice making decisions, then she won't know how to make wise ones. The temptation is often to save our kids from the natural consequences of their decisions, but when we do that, we rob them of the opportunity to learn to make wise decisions. The consequences for a bad decision are much less at 10, than they are at 23.

You are still available to offer guidance and discuss your child's options with them, but you allow them to fail. Unless the consequences will be disastrous beyond measure (someone gets hurt or property gets damaged), letting them fail teaches your children valuable lessons they can't learn in any other way.

As you loosen the reins on decision-making, keep these things in mind:

• Choose age-appropriate places for your child to make decisions. A 3-year-old can decide which shoes she wants to wear. A 15-year-old can go shopping by herself, knowing the parameters you find acceptable.
• When your child is struggling with a decision, be available to help him see all the options and their logical consequences. When we arm our kids with information, they can make better decisions.
• Always talk about how God feels about the issue. Use scripture to back up the godly option. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells us "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." Scripture is designed to help us make good decisions.
• If your child makes a poor decision, don't offset the consequences. Do sit down with them and discuss what happened and why. Help them decide on what would have been a better option and what the logical outcome of choosing that better option would be.
• Encourage your children to take their decisions to God before they make them. God is the source of ultimate wisdom, and He will never not give us wisdom when we need it. James 1:5 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."
  
  Today, take a look at whether you are giving your child enough decision-making power. Remember to keep the decisions age-appropriate, but give your child the opportunity to make decisions. If we want our kids to make good decisions, we have to let them begin practicing that skill while we are around to be a sounding board and a source of wisdom. If we hold onto the decision-making reins too long, our kids will begin to feel stifled and rebellious. Avoid that by helping them to make good decisions on their own.