Memory Monday: Don't Judge (Romans 14:13)

My kids are out of school today, so I'm taking the day off from blogging. I'm re-running my Halloween post from last year because I think at this time of the year, it's important to keep our hearts from judging others.

There's some strange-looking kids in the Fairchild house today. My youngest has been transformed into Alex Ovechkin (the hockey player) and my oldest is looking a bit like a Harry Potter character. Halloween is today, and we'll be heading out to trick-or-treat.

It always seems when we hit this time of the year that divisions appear in the ranks of Christ followers. Some see nothing wrong with letting their kids trick or treat on Halloween while others want nothing to do with the holiday. Each side has good reasons for their decisions and can use scripture to back up those decisions.

The debate generally continues straight through Christmas with the discussions about whether including Santa Claus in your Christmas celebrations detracts from Jesus. Many times these divisions within the ranks of Christian parents can cause hurt feelings.

In our house, we trick or treat on Halloween, and Santa makes a visit to our home on Christmas Eve. But I have friends who do neither, and some who don't trick or treat but think Santa is OK. So, who's right and who's wrong? In my opinion, no one.

The Bible is really clear about some things -- murder is wrong, Christ is the only way to God, and Jesus died for our sins. However, it gives no clear direction on other things, like Santa and Halloween. In my opinion, you should do whatever you feel is best for your family, making sure you base your decisions on time spent in prayer and God's word.
What we should not do, though, is judge others who may think differently. When Christ followers start judging each other on things on which there is no clear-cut answer, we break up the unity of the body of Christ.

Today's verse speaks directly to that issue. "Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way" (Romans 14:13). Our understanding of what causes a stumbling block to another person may differ, but if each of us is, to the best of our ability, trying to follow what God is telling us, then we have no right to judge one another.

This passage of scripture was addressing a difference of opinion over what foods to eat. Some people believed that Christians should only eat "clean" foods listed in the Law, while others believed that all food was permissible. The controversy was causing great division in the church. The problem was not the food, but the judgmental nature of the Christ-followers on each side of the issue.

While the points of division have changed, the problem remains among Christ-followers today. As we head toward the holiday season, starting with Halloween, keep this verse in your heart. Remember that while you may differ with another Christ-follower in how you approach the holidays, you are not to judge them. Instead, we are called to love each other.

Healthy debate of the issue is great and thought-provoking for all parties. Judgmental condemnation over an issue like this is hurtful and divisive. If you agree on the important stuff -- Christ died to bridge the gap between our sinful selves and God, and He is the only way to God -- then judging someone else on the small stuff serves no purpose.

So, whether you will have hockey players and literary characters wandering your home or you will be ignoring the day altogether, be loving and respectful of those Christ-followers who make a different choice than you.

Friday Introductions: Sticky Situations

We spend a lot of time in this house practicing things. We go to soccer practice twice a week and hockey practice twice a week. My girls spend 15 minutes a day practicing their instruments.

We spend all that time practicing so the girls can be good at the things they have chosen to pursue. Without practice, they wouldn't know where to be and what to do during their games. They wouldn't sound very good at their concerts. Practice is vitally important to their success at these endeavors.

So, it makes sense that our kids might need some practice at making good decisions as they pursue a life of following Jesus. They need to practice what they will do in certain situations to make sure they understand what it means to be respectful, compassionate and kind.

When we give our kids the opportunity to think about a situation before they actually have to deal with that situation, we give them the time to think through their response. The whole point of practice is to train yourself to do the right thing before you're in a game situation.

We can offer our kids some practice in showing the character qualities we are trying to teach them. We can role play with them or simply ask them how they would deal with certain situations.

One great resource for doing that is the book Sticky Situations: 365 Devotions for Kids and Families. This daily devotional offers up everyday situations kids might face and lets them decide what they should do. Each day includes a short description of a situation and multiple choice answers. It also includes Bible verses for your kids to read to help them decide what the right answer is.

This devotional and it's companion book, Sticky Situations 2: 365 Devotions for Elementary Kids, are wonderful options for any parent looking to give their kids some practice in making decisions based on God's Word.

Every choice our kids make in a "sticky situation" is a choice between following God and following the ways of the world. In Joshua 24:15, Joshua told the Israelites to make a choice about whom they would follow: "But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."

When we give our kids practice at choosing to follow God, we make it easier for them to choose to follow Him when it counts. Add some practice time to your lives today.

The Fruit of Kindness

A child's first instinct is not to be kind to others. Ever seen a 2-year-old when someone else wants the toy she wants? She doesn't go over and politely ask to play. The best case scenario is she'll go over and take the toy out of the other child's hand. The worst case scenario is she'll go over and take the toy and hit the other child with it.

Kindness is not a character quality that comes naturally to most people. It has to be taught and nurtured. The Bible tells us kindness is a fruit of the spirit. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law" (Galatians 5:22-23). That means that it's something that comes from God. It's something that's difficult to achieve on our own.

Those verses also tell us something else important about kindness -- it comes from within. Kindness to others is an overflow of what's in our hearts. If our hearts are following Jesus, then kindness flows from that. But if our hearts are busy chasing after things that aren't important to God, then it will be hard to find kindness.

It's not hard to teach our kids to be kind to their friends. Most kids will figure out that if you're nice to others, then they will be your friends. It's when we run across those people who are difficult to get along with that kindness becomes more difficult. Yet, Jesus was specific about how we are treat people, even those with whom we don't get along. "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44).

Proverbs 25:21-22 puts it this way: "If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you." Being kind to others, even those who don't like us, is a way to show others God's love.

Being kind isn't always easy, but it is the thing that God calls us to do. Teaching our kids to let God help them show kindness to others is important to God, so it needs to be important to us.

• Show your kids an apple, an orange, a bunch of grapes and a banana. Ask them how they would tell a banana tree from a grapevine or an orange tree from an apple tree. They could tell by the frui the tree bears. Explain to your kids that we are like the fruit trees. People can tell we are Christ-followers by the way we act -- the fruit we bear. Read Galatians 5:22-23. Talk about how kindness is one of the "fruits" by which people know we follow Jesus. Talk about ways you can be kind to others.
• Make kindness a priority. Correct unkind behavior in your kids when it happens. Require an apology when your kids are unkind to someone. Look for opportunities to reward your kids when you see them being kind to others.
• Help your kids see the good in difficult people. Remind your kids that no matter what someone else does, God wants us to be kind to others. Our actions aren't based on how others act toward us. They're based on what God says. Pray with your kids and ask God to help them see others as He sees them. Remind your kids God loves everyone -- even people who are mean to us.
• Model kindness. Look for opportunities to shower others with kindness. Go out of your way to show kindness. Your kids are watching what you do as well as what you say.

When we tap into God's power and lean on Him to do what He asks, we'll find that being kind to others will begin to come naturally. The more we practice it, the more of a habit it will become.

People will be able to recognize us by the fruit of kindness we bear.

Raising Compassionate Kids

My youngest daughter came home from school the other day feeling sad for a little boy in her class. His cat had died before he came to school that day.

"Mom, he talked about that cat every day. He played with it every day after school. It could even play baseball," she said.

Now, it's not surprising to me that my daughter would be concerned about one of her classmates or upset that another person's pet had died. I know we would all be devastated if anything happened to our dog.

What was surprising was how deeply this little boy's pet tragedy affected her. You see, she doesn't really get along all that well with this little boy. Usually, her re-telling of her day includes at least one thing that this boy did that annoyed her.

However, when this little boy was feeling awful about his cat dying, my daughter was able to set aside all the ways he annoys her and offer him her compassion.

Compassion is simply recognizing someone else's hurt and doing something about it. We want to raise kids who can recognize when someone else is hurting. We want them to want to do something to help a hurting person.

Our natural inclination is to protect our kids from knowing that bad things happen in the world. When our kids are toddlers or preschoolers, that's not a bad idea. As they get older, though, they need to know that the world isn't always a bright and shiny place. Bad stuff happens -- to us and to others. It's how we deal with that stuff that sets us apart as Christ followers.

When hard stuff happens to the people around us, we want to recognize it and treat those people with compassion. We want our kids to know how to offer words of encouragement and how to judge those moments when its better to just be silent and offer a shoulder to cry on.

Everyone needs a friend in times of crisis -- whether that person is our bosom buddy or someone that we might not normally like. Compassion sometimes means setting aside our personal feelings about someone to offer them what they need in the midst of their crisis.

Teach your kids to recognize the hurting people in their lives and help them take steps to offer compassion.

• Help your child look at the entire situation. Sometimes people lash out at others when they are hurting. When that happens to your child, talk with them about why the other person may have acted the way they did. Help your child look past her own feelings to understand the feelings of the other person.
• Brainstorm ways to help. Your child can make a difference by showing compassion to others. Help your child decide on a way to help their hurting friend. It can be a simple word of encouragement, a gift or just spending time with the other child.
• Don't hide the tough stuff. If your child catches a glimpse of the news talking about an earthquake or other disaster, don't pretend it's not a big deal. Be honest in answering his questions. Talk about ways we can help those who were affected. We can pray for them, send money or send supplies. Finding a way to help others makes your child a part of the solution and gives them power over a scary situation.

God wants us to show compassion to others. Ephesians 4:32 says "Be kind and compassionate to one another."

Showing compassion to others doesn't take much time or money. It simply takes paying attention to the people around us.

Teach Respect

When my youngest was about 4, we started realizing we were going to have to pick our battles with her carefully. Strong-willed doesn't begin to start to describe her. We quickly realized we would be fighting with her over everything if we didn't decide what was important and what we were willing to let go.

When we sat down and looked at the things that were important, we boiled it down to two things: safety and respect. We decided the battles worth fighting with her were only worth it if they involved her or someone else's safety or if they involved respect, for herself or others.

Respect covers a lot of ground. It's not just about saying "please" and "thank you" or calling an adult "Mr." or "Mrs." Respect means putting others first and treating them like they are important. It takes into account someone else's feelings. It covers friends, family, people you don't like and yourself.

The Bible puts it this way: "Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor" (1 Peter 2:17). God doesn't tell us to respect the people we like or the people who have earned it. He says we should respect everyone, even those we don't like. When this verse was written, the emperor was persecuting the Christians, yet Peter tells those same Christians they must show respect to the emperor.

Respect is important because it shows others that we care about them. When we take into account someone else's feelings -- even when we don't particularly care for their point of view -- we acknowledge that they are due respect simply because they, too, were made by God.

So, how do we teach our children to respect others? It's such a vague concept. How do we break that down into a concrete form for our kids?

• Eliminate name-calling. When we call someone else a name or identify them as "stupid" or "dumb," we devalue the other person. Make a no name-calling rule in your home, and enforce it. Eliminate words like "stupid" and "dumb" from your household vocabulary.
• Teach your kids to think about how they would like to be treated, then encourage them to treat others that way. Jesus said "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets" (Matthew 7:12). When your kids treat their siblings or a friend in a disrespectful manner, discuss what happened with them and help them brainstorm better ways to treat their friends or siblings next time.
• Make respect a big deal. Create a contest where you reward your kids for respectful behavior. Make it fun and silly. For example, if you catch a child being respectful, crown them king or queen of dinner. Let them wear a goofy crown, get served first and be able to pick dessert.
• Don't hesitate to correct your kids, even if you're out in public. Disrespectful behavior is just like any other behavior. It becomes a habit if allowed to take root. Don't embarrass your children, but make sure they know that being in public doesn't shield them from the consequences of being disrespectful. My favorite correction for disrespect is to make my kids apologize, then start over with a new request or comment.
• Watch the tone. Kids can be disrespectful without saying anything wrong. Their tone of voice can convey disrespect. Call them on it when their tone gets out of hand. Make them ask for what they want in a tone that conveys respect. A good way to help your kids understand this is to tape record them and play it back. Ask them if they think their tone of voice is respectful. Practice modulating the tone with them.

Respecting others is simply putting the other person first and treating them like the beautiful creation of God that they are. If we keep that image foremost in our minds, respecting others will come easier.

Memory Monday: Achievement vs. Character (1 Samuel 16:7)

God looks at our hearts, not our achievements, so this week, Everyday Truth will look at building our kids' character. Today is an overview of character. Tuesday, we'll look at teaching our kids to respect others. Wednesday, we'll talk about compassion, and Thursday, we'll look at kindness. On Friday, I'll have some resources that will help you teach your kids character.

We had parent-teacher conferences this past week. My girls' conferences are typically pretty boring with no big issues to discuss. We have one kid who's struggling a bit with the change in math curriculum but overall, we got positive reports.

The best part of the parent-teacher conferences, though, was a simple comment made by both girls' teachers. Both teachers told us our girls were extremely respectful, both of the teachers and of their peers.

You see, there's really not much I can do about my kids' ability to do well in school. I can help them study. I can make sure they have all the tools they need to succeed, but I can't make my kids any smarter than they are. I can't make them better spellers or give them a better math sense.

What I can do is teach my kids to have character. I can teach them to be respectful of others. I can teach them to be kind. I can teach them to be compassionate.

These are the things that matter in the long run. We told our girls we were happy that their grades were good, but we were much more excited about the fact that both their teachers were impressed enough with their respectfulness that they mentioned it during their conferences.

We told our girls that while we're proud of their grades, those grades are just a reflection of how well they've memorized or understood something. When a teacher comments on how you act toward others, it's a reflection of who you are inside. And that's way more important than how you scored on a test.

Society puts a huge emphasis on achievement, and there's nothing wrong with aiming for high achievement, but a grade on a report card says nothing about your character. You can be a horrible person and still get an "A" in math.

God gives us gifts and abilities, and He wants us to use them, but He's most concerned with the attitude of our heart. Achievement isn't a bad thing; it's just not the most important thing.

1 Samuel 16:7 says "But the LORD said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.'"

God chose David to be king, despite the fact that he was a lowly shepherd and the youngest son. These were not outward trappings of achievement. Yet God saw something in David's heart that made Him choose David. It was David's character, not his achievement that made God able to use Him.

We want our kids to have character that shines. That starts at home. We can teach respect, kindness and compassion to our kids from the time they are little. It's those qualities that will make them open to being used by God.

Friday Introductions: Nancy Rue

I got an email in my inbox yesterday from Chuck E. Cheese. Yep, the big mouse that serves really bad pizza sent me an email. Actually, he sent my youngest daughter an email, wishing her a happy half-birthday.

Because I needed an overgrown mouse with a plastic head to remind me that my baby girl is growing up. She's 8 1/2. My oldest is almost 10 1/2. We've moved from playing with Little People and eating crayons to dealing with mean girls and looking for just the "right" pair of jeans.

I'm not sure where the time went, but I sit here this morning with two girls firmly ensconced in their tween years. I love the ages my girls are now, but I have to tell you that I think the tween stage is a whole bunch harder to parent than the tantrum-throwing 2-year-old stage. I knew what to do with a temper tantrum.

Some days I feel completely inadequate as a parent. I can't always fix the problems my girls are facing. All I can do is offer support and love and hope they make the best decisions they can.

I think the tween years are confusing for all kids. They're not quite teen-agers, yet they're no longer little kids. As a parent, it's hard to know what's going on in their brains. Getting a handle on who our tweens are and what they are becoming is difficult.

It's a difficult time for our kids, as well. Being stuck in the "in-between" is often a confusing and uncomfortable place to be.

Understanding our tweens, especially girls, is something that today's Friday Introduction excels at. If you have a tween girl, you need the resources that Nancy Rue provides.

Nancy has been writing about tween girls for decades. She has amazing insight into what's going on inside their heads and their hearts, and she has practical advice for moms and dads to nurture their girls through this "in-between" time.

If you have a tween girl, the single best thing I've ever read on them is Nancy Rue's book, Moms' Ultimate Guide to the Tween Girl World. This book offers insight into your daughter's thought process and into the issues she's facing in her world today.

Nancy also has a book for dads of tween girls called What Happened to My Little Girl?: Dad's Ultimate Guide to His Tween Daughter, which offers insight into tween girls for dads. It reiterates how important a dad's influence is in his daughter's life, especially during the tween years.

These are the years when we must talk to our daughters about their changing bodies and sex. Nancy offers some great information from a Godly perspective that speaks right to tween girls in her books Body Talk (Faithgirlz!) and The Body Book: It's A God Thing! (The Lily Series)

Nancy also writes fiction for tweens and teens in her Lily, Sophie and Real Life series of books. These are stories of girls who are facing problems similar to the ones our own girls face every day. Her characters solve them in a Christlike way that offers the reader wisdom and insight into solving their own problems.

Check out Nancy Rue's website for tweens that includes a blog aimed just at tween girls. You'll find a complete list of her books and some wise insight into how tween girls think.

When we're at a loss as to how to deal with an issue, especially ones that deal with our kids, it only makes sense to seek out some resources that offer Godly wisdom. Proverbs 3:13 says "Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding."

Gaining wisdom and understanding about our kids makes us better moms and dads. Seek out God's wisdom in the Bible and look for Godly instruction from those who have already walked the road you're on.